Hello All,
March has passed by and April is speeding along, too and still I can't find time to post on here. I was much more organized when I was working. Last month was good for me, I've recovered nicely from the surgery on my knee and am pain free! Right knee replacement in the late summer. I'll be like a 40 year old by fall!
Courtney came home for her 40th Bday and joined Mackenzie, my friend Connie and me for a week in Gulf Shores over Spring Break. We are off again next Friday for 10 days in Cape San Blas with my sister and aunt. The ocean has always been a tonic for me, but I didn't get the usual peace this time. I've not found a good course for my life yet, I think. I'm hoping if I keep looking it will come. As crazy as it sounds coming from a pragmatic soul such as I, I keep waiting to feel Stephen King around me again.
I wrote the above in April and didn't post it for some reason.
I'm posting today because until this week, I have still been waiting for Steve. I thought I'd accepted his death and was dealing with my loss as good as I could. But this week I have realized that isn't true. Deep inside I've never accepted it and I've been waiting for him. I have moved past denial and am grieving in a different way now...acceptance. It's rather like ripping the bandage off all over again, raw wounds, tears, memories of fifty shared years. But it is good.
I finally cleared out his closets and donated his clothing to St. Vincents. I kept a few favorites to use in a quilt, if I can ever cut them up. Nina took of of his shirts to make a pillow for Shayla, of all the grandchildren, she needs something physical to hold on to that was Papaw's. The granddaughters went along to deliver the carful of boxes and I don't think I could have done it without them. Actually handing over clothing I'd seen him wear forever was painful. But Stephen King had always been one to shop and give back to recycling stores and I knew he would approve.
I've cleaned and rearranged the two double closets that were his to hold some special clothes the boys wanted to keep ( his reenactment costumes and such), the winter clothing that Courtney keeps here for her winter visits and my seasonal clothing. The closet I use in the master is a single closet and holds only a season's worth of clothes. I'm reprinting and rearranging this room soon. It has always been more of a catch all for us than a bedroom and I'd like to see it as a room Courtney and the grandkids and other guests can use. That is my winter project this year.
Our bed and the case goods that match it have been around for a long time, my grandmother gave it to my parents when they purchased their first two bedroom house. I slept on it with my sister growing up, then my mom gave it to my other grandmother. When grandma went to an apartment for seniors, I got the whole set back and have used it for 15 years as our bed. I think I'm tired of it. I've decided to store it and get myself a new bed, I need a new mattress anyway. I don't care for matching sets and can piece together storage for my things. As with the back bedroom, this one
will get new paint. In fact, I'm ready to paint the rest of the rooms white. The taupe has served its time and I think a nice soft white will lighten my mood. A fall project, I think.
As much as I'm content to sit and read and think for most of my day, I know that isn't what is good for me. I need a schedule, a routine that forces me to move, get out and shake up my live. I'm attempting it more and more. These projects will help. With my lupus I can't have strict demands on my body and need to rest more than most, but a routine will allow for those days, too. Just so all my days aren't resting (hiding) days.
Tomorrow marks two years since he left us, we have more before we see him again. I need to live those years however many they may be. I plan too. Talk to me! Love
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
What a month! Feb. 2015
What a month Feb has been for me. I had a complete knee replacement on the 5th, spent four days in Bloomington Hospital, then transferred to IU Paoli for therapy for five days. My sister and her husband brought me to their home on Friday the 13th. They should have known better!
They got up to a cogged toilet which had to be replaced. Predictions were for a snowfall measuring above a foot were made. They were bringing me and my bum leg into their busy life. They should have known better!
Deb picked me up in my Jeep since we weren't sure I could stoop to getting into a sedan with the leg. We drove to the top of Paoli to The Inn on the Hill. There was a bit of snow clinging to the frozen ground, so she drove right thru the yard to the front porch. Curb service. All was well. Then came Sunday...
So much snow, everything canceled for Monday and Tuesday. Post-op check with surgeon, PT appointment, Buck's colonoscopy. We hunkered down, laughing at the weather. Another big blow on Wednesday stopped us again, but I was exercising and doing therapy just fine. Deb cooked and we ate every hour or so. It was good. By Thursday she says I threatened her with my cane, I continue to deny that, but whatever... I've been home alone for two months and find it challenging to listen to TV nonstop, maybe.
So Friday Sis decides we are going to go buy a car. Of course, they own the dealership so it was simple. My first time outside since knee surgery, 10 inch incision down my leg, coldest day of the winter, 8 inches of snow, I'm going to buy a car! Yeah, that sounds right. Actually, they had ordered my car weeks ago and it was ready to be picked up so off we went. It is a nice car, I like it. Chevy Equinox, white with brown/black leather, sun roof, all the bells n whistles. I'm ready for a road trip, except I cannot drive yet. Still no post-op check.
Then Saturday we wake to ice covering our Inn, the hill, the roads, the world. Followed by inches and inches of big heavy snow. It is a lovely scene laid out below us, Norman Rockwell could paint it,
Robert Frost could put in on paper in rhyme. Edgar Allan Poe could make it into a horror story. I'm
thinking I'll never see my home again, never get away from the TV, never drive my new car ( insert big wet teardrops here).
By Monday the ice was melted except for the long winding drive from The Inn to the highway! But we daring drove down anyway. Our daddy didn't raise no cowardly wimps! The appointment with the surgeon went very well, he was impressed with my progress and Deb's nursing abilities. I was going home...alone! After stopping at the grocery to restock my fridge, Deb took me home. Amazingly, the little house was fine, the drive was plowed down to the gravel (thanks to my lovely neighbors) and the ramp was shoveled free of ice (thanks to my sweet son).
Tuesday I drove my new car to my first therapy session in 11 days, I was expecting pain and disappointment, but the therapist was impressed with my progress and gain in movement! Only one exercise hurt and hurt bad! Not even my knee, but my hip. Ouch, I hope that's not going out too. We added eight more exercises to my program, each designed to strengthen my legs and core muscles. I cannot believe I'm finally on my way to fit at 65. 💪
My days have settled into a quiet routine, trying to stay warm, limber and on target. I've sewn a bit, cleaned a bit and read way too much. This week begins twice a week workouts at therapy, putting final touches on Mom's house and showing it to the friends who want to buy it and pushing myself to get out and about more. I tend to morph into a recluse when I don't have things on my agenda, not a problem for me, but my family doesn't agree. Debbie doesn't like my spooky-eyed look! I'm fine, really, I just wish the weather would turn off to Spring or even late Winter. This deep freeze is killing me.
I have Spreak Break planned with my good friend in Gulf Shores for late March, a week in Cape San Blas with sisters and aunts in April and am heading back to OZ in June. I just need the patience to wait. Keeping my head up and my eyes clear. Talk to me, Ladies. Love, Hedy
They got up to a cogged toilet which had to be replaced. Predictions were for a snowfall measuring above a foot were made. They were bringing me and my bum leg into their busy life. They should have known better!
Deb picked me up in my Jeep since we weren't sure I could stoop to getting into a sedan with the leg. We drove to the top of Paoli to The Inn on the Hill. There was a bit of snow clinging to the frozen ground, so she drove right thru the yard to the front porch. Curb service. All was well. Then came Sunday...
So much snow, everything canceled for Monday and Tuesday. Post-op check with surgeon, PT appointment, Buck's colonoscopy. We hunkered down, laughing at the weather. Another big blow on Wednesday stopped us again, but I was exercising and doing therapy just fine. Deb cooked and we ate every hour or so. It was good. By Thursday she says I threatened her with my cane, I continue to deny that, but whatever... I've been home alone for two months and find it challenging to listen to TV nonstop, maybe.
So Friday Sis decides we are going to go buy a car. Of course, they own the dealership so it was simple. My first time outside since knee surgery, 10 inch incision down my leg, coldest day of the winter, 8 inches of snow, I'm going to buy a car! Yeah, that sounds right. Actually, they had ordered my car weeks ago and it was ready to be picked up so off we went. It is a nice car, I like it. Chevy Equinox, white with brown/black leather, sun roof, all the bells n whistles. I'm ready for a road trip, except I cannot drive yet. Still no post-op check.
Then Saturday we wake to ice covering our Inn, the hill, the roads, the world. Followed by inches and inches of big heavy snow. It is a lovely scene laid out below us, Norman Rockwell could paint it,
Robert Frost could put in on paper in rhyme. Edgar Allan Poe could make it into a horror story. I'm
thinking I'll never see my home again, never get away from the TV, never drive my new car ( insert big wet teardrops here).
By Monday the ice was melted except for the long winding drive from The Inn to the highway! But we daring drove down anyway. Our daddy didn't raise no cowardly wimps! The appointment with the surgeon went very well, he was impressed with my progress and Deb's nursing abilities. I was going home...alone! After stopping at the grocery to restock my fridge, Deb took me home. Amazingly, the little house was fine, the drive was plowed down to the gravel (thanks to my lovely neighbors) and the ramp was shoveled free of ice (thanks to my sweet son).
Tuesday I drove my new car to my first therapy session in 11 days, I was expecting pain and disappointment, but the therapist was impressed with my progress and gain in movement! Only one exercise hurt and hurt bad! Not even my knee, but my hip. Ouch, I hope that's not going out too. We added eight more exercises to my program, each designed to strengthen my legs and core muscles. I cannot believe I'm finally on my way to fit at 65. 💪
My days have settled into a quiet routine, trying to stay warm, limber and on target. I've sewn a bit, cleaned a bit and read way too much. This week begins twice a week workouts at therapy, putting final touches on Mom's house and showing it to the friends who want to buy it and pushing myself to get out and about more. I tend to morph into a recluse when I don't have things on my agenda, not a problem for me, but my family doesn't agree. Debbie doesn't like my spooky-eyed look! I'm fine, really, I just wish the weather would turn off to Spring or even late Winter. This deep freeze is killing me.
I have Spreak Break planned with my good friend in Gulf Shores for late March, a week in Cape San Blas with sisters and aunts in April and am heading back to OZ in June. I just need the patience to wait. Keeping my head up and my eyes clear. Talk to me, Ladies. Love, Hedy
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Happy New Year!
Hello my friends, it is 2015! Imagine that! The first year I can really remember is 1954, I suppose I must have been in kindergarten and had to write the date. Seems like the day before yesterday, I can feel the scratchiness of my wool coat, the cold biting my nose and fingers and the scariness of riding in a taxicab alone to school. Funny where our minds take us when we turn them loose to chase down memories. We lived in town then about 5 blocks from school and on bad days Mom would call Dot to take me to school in the cab so she didn't have to get my little sister out in the cold. Debbie had asthma and winters were rough on her as a small child. Not much better now, poor thing.
I could sit all day and let my mind run back through my sixty five years (some days I do), but I don't have time for that today. A few years ago, we began a new tradition of spending New Years Day in Evansville as a family, seeing movies, eating in favorite places and a bit of shopping. Each year has varied as to who is along, always me and my grand girls, usually the Momma's and little boys, sometimes the guys. This year everyone is going! The boys have worked so much this fall, even the day after Christmas! But they both have this weekend off. We want to see Wild and it isn't playing in Valley so we will see it there. I missed MockingJay and want to see it, too. The little boys won't be watching Wild so we will switch off and some of us will take them to a kids film. I am not a movie person, but I do love this day out with family and the big screen. Tonight we will all eat at Biaggis, a great Italian restaurant even Stephen King loved. Beautiful table settings, linen napkins, soft lights and the best pasta and bread around. Tomorrow we will gather for breakfast then leave for home as we wish, some staying to shop at Target, others driving straight back, eager to get on with a weekend at home. You can make your own guess as to which bunch does what! For me it is a chance to visit with my kids, eat, see good films and talk about the past year and the future.
I'm so happy we started this while Steve was with us, it seems more of a real tradition this way. Not trying to create a new normal. My new normal doesn't feel normal yet, I feel out of place still. I realize I had no time to acclimate to widowhood before jumping back into caring for Mom, but I
wonder if there will ever be a normal again. We spent nearly fifty years creating this life and then it is over in a heartbeat.
We have started emptying Mom's house this past week. My goodness what an undertaking! That woman saved everything, but not in a typical hoarding way. No, everything is clean, ironed or dusted, folded neatly or wrapped in tissue paper, ready for the next person to wear or use or sit up on a shelf. I have to remember Not to do this to my kids! Reminiscing is wonderful, but as Deb says, "the first saved hankie is sweet, the 14th is ridiculous!" Or lamp or basket or chicken or picture frame or afghan or sheet set or shoe or red sweater! Dishes, China, plates/plate hangers, glass baskets, and three double closets of clothes! The little woman had it all and kept it! Debbie and I have decided
Mom is rolling on Heaven's floor, laughing at us trying to decide what to do with it all. We are attempting to give away most of it, we do not want a sale or auction of our parents' possessions. Ours is a very large extended family, with several starting housekeeping or downsizing so we have managed to share lots of furniture and housekeeping items. We all have sentimental favorites, such as; Mom's iron chicken fryer, a cricket rocker, a piece of jewelry, etc, which ensures everyone some piece of them.
The New Years weekend is almost over, it's Sunday afternoon as I pick up my iPad and finish this post. Time to really begin anew. I look forward to this year 2015 in hope that it will be easier than the last few years for my family. But we have faith that whatever challenges we face will be met with grace. No big goals or resolutions for me this year, I intend to eat the elephant one bite at a time. (For all my transformed counselor buddies!) God bless you all. Love
I could sit all day and let my mind run back through my sixty five years (some days I do), but I don't have time for that today. A few years ago, we began a new tradition of spending New Years Day in Evansville as a family, seeing movies, eating in favorite places and a bit of shopping. Each year has varied as to who is along, always me and my grand girls, usually the Momma's and little boys, sometimes the guys. This year everyone is going! The boys have worked so much this fall, even the day after Christmas! But they both have this weekend off. We want to see Wild and it isn't playing in Valley so we will see it there. I missed MockingJay and want to see it, too. The little boys won't be watching Wild so we will switch off and some of us will take them to a kids film. I am not a movie person, but I do love this day out with family and the big screen. Tonight we will all eat at Biaggis, a great Italian restaurant even Stephen King loved. Beautiful table settings, linen napkins, soft lights and the best pasta and bread around. Tomorrow we will gather for breakfast then leave for home as we wish, some staying to shop at Target, others driving straight back, eager to get on with a weekend at home. You can make your own guess as to which bunch does what! For me it is a chance to visit with my kids, eat, see good films and talk about the past year and the future.
I'm so happy we started this while Steve was with us, it seems more of a real tradition this way. Not trying to create a new normal. My new normal doesn't feel normal yet, I feel out of place still. I realize I had no time to acclimate to widowhood before jumping back into caring for Mom, but I
wonder if there will ever be a normal again. We spent nearly fifty years creating this life and then it is over in a heartbeat.
We have started emptying Mom's house this past week. My goodness what an undertaking! That woman saved everything, but not in a typical hoarding way. No, everything is clean, ironed or dusted, folded neatly or wrapped in tissue paper, ready for the next person to wear or use or sit up on a shelf. I have to remember Not to do this to my kids! Reminiscing is wonderful, but as Deb says, "the first saved hankie is sweet, the 14th is ridiculous!" Or lamp or basket or chicken or picture frame or afghan or sheet set or shoe or red sweater! Dishes, China, plates/plate hangers, glass baskets, and three double closets of clothes! The little woman had it all and kept it! Debbie and I have decided
Mom is rolling on Heaven's floor, laughing at us trying to decide what to do with it all. We are attempting to give away most of it, we do not want a sale or auction of our parents' possessions. Ours is a very large extended family, with several starting housekeeping or downsizing so we have managed to share lots of furniture and housekeeping items. We all have sentimental favorites, such as; Mom's iron chicken fryer, a cricket rocker, a piece of jewelry, etc, which ensures everyone some piece of them.
The New Years weekend is almost over, it's Sunday afternoon as I pick up my iPad and finish this post. Time to really begin anew. I look forward to this year 2015 in hope that it will be easier than the last few years for my family. But we have faith that whatever challenges we face will be met with grace. No big goals or resolutions for me this year, I intend to eat the elephant one bite at a time. (For all my transformed counselor buddies!) God bless you all. Love
Monday, December 15, 2014
Loss
Hello,
We lost our mom Nov. 30 after a five year journey with Alzheimer's Disease. My girls, I pray your families are never exposed to this horrific disease. It steals lives slowly, gradually taking away loved ones and leaving empty bodies in their place. And the most terrifying thing is they know they are being taken and cannot stop going. Blessedly, for us, Mom rallied after suffering strokes on that last Tuesday. Her speech was effected for a few hours, but during the night she called out to someone...someone who wasn't there. When she did open her eyes, she appeared to know us and know what was happening to her. She thanked us for staying at home with her and taking care of her. "I have good kids", she repeated often. It had been decided much earlier that no extreme measures would be taken should she have such a stroke, she never wanted to just take up space on this earth. She was ready to go Home. We all agreed and thought we were ready to let her go, but as it was happening we realized it was not so easy to let go forever. For five days and nights, we sat at her bedside, lay beside her on the big bed she had shared with our Dad. Attending to her basic care, keeping her clean, dry and comfortable. Holding her hand, listening to her speak with that someone only she could see. We all agreed it was Dad or her guardian angel, come to take her home.
Now most of you didn't know my mom, I know, but she was a beautiful, classy lady, sweet and humble, heart as pure as gold. She lived for her family.
All she ever asked of us was to be kept at home, she had a dreadful fear of nursing homes. We did that for her for five years, never leaving her alone. I believe she saw we were coming to the end of our strength to keep it up and chose to go. The one other thing she asked was to be buried in her gown and robe and no eye glasses! She would see others dressed up and lying in their caskets and say, " do they think they are going out after this?" She wanted to meet her maker, warm and cozy, ready to enjoy eternity. Mom looked so peaceful and pretty in her aqua bedclothes. She was always the prettiest girl in the room, Dad said, and she was still the day we laid her to rest.
It has been two weeks and we are slowly marking off items from our To Do list. The big challenge will be the personal items she had acquired in her eighty five years. Add to that, the collections Dad brought into their home and, People, we have a boatload of stuff! We know our parents are looking down and laughing at the trick they've played on us. They are together in Heaven and we four are dealing with STUFF. Just like they always told us it would be. We cannot be sad, knowing that they are together again, they were soul mates for 53 years. And now forever.
We all have kids and grandkids and life continues, not the same but as it should, as it always has been.
I've ordered all my Christmas gifts online, now to wrap them. I miss having babies to buy for, our 10 and 11 year old boys aren't nearly as fun to buy for since they ask for Teepees and Nerf guns. Oh, and a goat! Our girls are all grown up, too, clothing, handbags, electronics, not a BabyDoll on any list. I've made peanut butter cookies, peanut butter fudge, have my sugar cookie dough in the fridge, thinking about some spiced nuts, maybe. And hard cinnamon candy is next week.
I have a baby quilt for my niece cut and ready to sew. Courtney embroidered farm animal block and I cut some baby-like fabrics for the other blocks. I have a sweet alphabet print for the backing. He will be my baby brothers first grand child and we are all thrilled he is almost here. Rob's kids call my sister and I grandma instead of aunt because we are some much older than their dad. I was 18 and Deb 16 when he was born, he is less than a year older than our Stephen. He was with us most of the time growing up. He has always been a blessing to our family, kept Dad and Mom young keeping up with him.
Talk to me, Ladies, I miss you all. God Bless your families this year and keep you safe. Love, Hedy
We lost our mom Nov. 30 after a five year journey with Alzheimer's Disease. My girls, I pray your families are never exposed to this horrific disease. It steals lives slowly, gradually taking away loved ones and leaving empty bodies in their place. And the most terrifying thing is they know they are being taken and cannot stop going. Blessedly, for us, Mom rallied after suffering strokes on that last Tuesday. Her speech was effected for a few hours, but during the night she called out to someone...someone who wasn't there. When she did open her eyes, she appeared to know us and know what was happening to her. She thanked us for staying at home with her and taking care of her. "I have good kids", she repeated often. It had been decided much earlier that no extreme measures would be taken should she have such a stroke, she never wanted to just take up space on this earth. She was ready to go Home. We all agreed and thought we were ready to let her go, but as it was happening we realized it was not so easy to let go forever. For five days and nights, we sat at her bedside, lay beside her on the big bed she had shared with our Dad. Attending to her basic care, keeping her clean, dry and comfortable. Holding her hand, listening to her speak with that someone only she could see. We all agreed it was Dad or her guardian angel, come to take her home.
Now most of you didn't know my mom, I know, but she was a beautiful, classy lady, sweet and humble, heart as pure as gold. She lived for her family.
All she ever asked of us was to be kept at home, she had a dreadful fear of nursing homes. We did that for her for five years, never leaving her alone. I believe she saw we were coming to the end of our strength to keep it up and chose to go. The one other thing she asked was to be buried in her gown and robe and no eye glasses! She would see others dressed up and lying in their caskets and say, " do they think they are going out after this?" She wanted to meet her maker, warm and cozy, ready to enjoy eternity. Mom looked so peaceful and pretty in her aqua bedclothes. She was always the prettiest girl in the room, Dad said, and she was still the day we laid her to rest.
It has been two weeks and we are slowly marking off items from our To Do list. The big challenge will be the personal items she had acquired in her eighty five years. Add to that, the collections Dad brought into their home and, People, we have a boatload of stuff! We know our parents are looking down and laughing at the trick they've played on us. They are together in Heaven and we four are dealing with STUFF. Just like they always told us it would be. We cannot be sad, knowing that they are together again, they were soul mates for 53 years. And now forever.
We all have kids and grandkids and life continues, not the same but as it should, as it always has been.
I've ordered all my Christmas gifts online, now to wrap them. I miss having babies to buy for, our 10 and 11 year old boys aren't nearly as fun to buy for since they ask for Teepees and Nerf guns. Oh, and a goat! Our girls are all grown up, too, clothing, handbags, electronics, not a BabyDoll on any list. I've made peanut butter cookies, peanut butter fudge, have my sugar cookie dough in the fridge, thinking about some spiced nuts, maybe. And hard cinnamon candy is next week.
I have a baby quilt for my niece cut and ready to sew. Courtney embroidered farm animal block and I cut some baby-like fabrics for the other blocks. I have a sweet alphabet print for the backing. He will be my baby brothers first grand child and we are all thrilled he is almost here. Rob's kids call my sister and I grandma instead of aunt because we are some much older than their dad. I was 18 and Deb 16 when he was born, he is less than a year older than our Stephen. He was with us most of the time growing up. He has always been a blessing to our family, kept Dad and Mom young keeping up with him.
Talk to me, Ladies, I miss you all. God Bless your families this year and keep you safe. Love, Hedy
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Limbo
Where does time go? It flies thru life like it has something special going on, never slowing down for us to catch up on life. Days can pass without notice, weeks slide by and the month is gone...where? Try as I may, I haven't been able to slow down time. And I have tried so many ways, prayer and mediation help during the time spent in them, but when I return to my daily life it is either time to get up or go to bed. Where does time go?
Being a widow isn't what I expected, at all. Mom was widowed fifteen years ago and now I wish I had asked her what life was like for her without my dad. She forgets now that he is gone and wonders why he isn't home for supper. I wish I had asked her how it felt to make decisions alone after years of having a partner to help decide what to do. I wish I had asked her how she dealt with knowing he would not be taking the TV remote and watching mind numbing reruns again and again. I wish I had asked her how she continued to have a life without him. How she kept celebrating birthdays and holidays and the simple things when he wasn't there by her side. It is too late to ask her for advice now, she is the one asking..." Is Bob gone?" " Did Steve die?" " Where do I live?" " Who are you?". I did not know it would be all the little things in life that stopped my heart because Stephen King was gone, I thought those big moments would be the difficult things. I was wrong.
These things have been on my mind recently, I don't dwell on them, really, just find myself wondering sometimes. Usually I am fine, coping with this new life. I keep calm and carry on, as Churchill advised the British during WWII. I don't seem to have time to think much or worry, life needs tending to. I take each day as it comes, dealing with challenges as they pop up, just like before. I stay with Mom a few days each week, we talk about the past because that is where she lives now. I help keep her cared for and her home clean, just as if it were still a home. I sleep with her and she holds my hand, I cook her meals and sometimes need to feed her. She tells me she has it made and I smile at that, happy she feels that way. At home I waste time sitting and thinking, about what I don't know. I sit down and two hours later the time is gone. I haven't sewn or read much lately, the creative urge isn't there. I have projects stacked, lists made, but few thinks get accomplished. Limbo is what it may be called, I am in Limbo, waiting for sometime. What? I cannot imagine.
Being a widow isn't what I expected, at all. Mom was widowed fifteen years ago and now I wish I had asked her what life was like for her without my dad. She forgets now that he is gone and wonders why he isn't home for supper. I wish I had asked her how it felt to make decisions alone after years of having a partner to help decide what to do. I wish I had asked her how she dealt with knowing he would not be taking the TV remote and watching mind numbing reruns again and again. I wish I had asked her how she continued to have a life without him. How she kept celebrating birthdays and holidays and the simple things when he wasn't there by her side. It is too late to ask her for advice now, she is the one asking..." Is Bob gone?" " Did Steve die?" " Where do I live?" " Who are you?". I did not know it would be all the little things in life that stopped my heart because Stephen King was gone, I thought those big moments would be the difficult things. I was wrong.
These things have been on my mind recently, I don't dwell on them, really, just find myself wondering sometimes. Usually I am fine, coping with this new life. I keep calm and carry on, as Churchill advised the British during WWII. I don't seem to have time to think much or worry, life needs tending to. I take each day as it comes, dealing with challenges as they pop up, just like before. I stay with Mom a few days each week, we talk about the past because that is where she lives now. I help keep her cared for and her home clean, just as if it were still a home. I sleep with her and she holds my hand, I cook her meals and sometimes need to feed her. She tells me she has it made and I smile at that, happy she feels that way. At home I waste time sitting and thinking, about what I don't know. I sit down and two hours later the time is gone. I haven't sewn or read much lately, the creative urge isn't there. I have projects stacked, lists made, but few thinks get accomplished. Limbo is what it may be called, I am in Limbo, waiting for sometime. What? I cannot imagine.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Summer finally arrives
August has been hazy, hot, and humid as it always is in the Ohio Valley, but this year, even more so because the summer has been so mild till now. We were fooled into thinking we would get by August without those HHH days. Fools. Football has started at school, poor boys and a few brave girls, sweating like horses, dropping in the field like flies. Overcome with the heat. Our Caleb is playing on the county fifth grade team, a big surprise, he likes it! Ours has never been a family for organized group sports. Stephen King played his senior year on Paoli High School's first football team, son Stephen played high school basketball and tennis, Courtney and Joe were in marching band for years and years. Gavin is playing soccer this year and Caleb will play 5th grade basketball this winter. But, overall we've never been school athletics groupies. I'm anxious to watch a few games with my boys playing.
Life back in OC has fallen into its old path, caring for Mom on weekends and Wednesday, staying home the rest of the week. I make excuses not to get out a lot, preferring to be at home. I did go back to the gym for a couple of weeks, but over worked my sick muscles and have to regroup till the inflammation dies down. Lupus is fickle, demanding movement and rest simultaneously. Once a body part is injured, they all join in and swell and scream in pain. I'm better this week, but moving slowly and cautiously, not daring to insult any muscle or joint. The gym will have to wait a bit longer.
Mom continues to decline with not many good days any more. We take her for drives around the county a time or two each week, but getting in and out of the house is challenging. The one step in her house is into the kitchen from the garage and she barely makes it. Each time feels as if we are climbing Everest, she battles to make it up. Stephen is going to fix an iron rail for her to use this week. I know that will give her more security for getting out. Mom still knows everyone when she sees us, but gets confused about who is who in conversation frequently mixing the Grandkids with the wrong parents. Some compare caring for an Alzheimer's patient with childcare, but I don't agree childcare is life giving, learning, teaching, living, Alzheimer's is a deathwatch. Watching as your beloved mother slips away, unable to stop it or make it better, just being there, holding a hand,
washing a frail body, brushing thin hair, listening to long forgotten stories told over and over. An
honor to serve, but so painful to experience. I'm so thankful we have a strong, loving family to share this.
I've actually finished a quilt this week and am binding another! I made them for my nephew's kids, Collier is two and her big brother Whitt is four. I don't get to spend much time with them, as they live in Louisville, but they are two special little people. I hand quilted Collier's, something I had second thoughts about as soon as I started. But I really loved the process and even made my own binding. Whitt's has seam tape and is hand tied, not quilted. It is a cowboy print patchwork, so fittingly simple. I'm more of a fabric collector than a quilter, but I think I will finish a crazy quilt I started for Courtney in OZ and quilt one I pieced for Shayla years ago. There's also a beautiful stack of London voile prints that demand a special project. Truthfully, I probably have enough fabric to provide all my kids, Grandkids, nieces and nephews with a quilt or two. But that's a pie in the sky thought, I know myself better than that.
It has been a year since we lost Steve and life has moved on in many ways, yet I continue to be surprised that he isn't here when I come home. I still listen when I wake for the sound of him making coffee in the kitchen, greeting the cats as he opens the back door to feed them. I drove his little blue truck last week and it felt like a big hug to climb into that little cab, full of his stuff. Straw hat, gloves, sunglasses, notepads, tools and all his plunder, just waiting for him. I often feel as if I, too, am waiting. Waiting for my life to restart, maybe, I don't know. I've never done this before. But I miss him with every breath I take.
Oh, I almost forgot, I bought myself a bike! Crazy old lady can't even pedal the exercise bike at the gym because the knee won't bend, thinks she is going to bike to town! Well, I know I won't if I don't have a bike!
Talk to me, Ladies. Take care. Hedy
Life back in OC has fallen into its old path, caring for Mom on weekends and Wednesday, staying home the rest of the week. I make excuses not to get out a lot, preferring to be at home. I did go back to the gym for a couple of weeks, but over worked my sick muscles and have to regroup till the inflammation dies down. Lupus is fickle, demanding movement and rest simultaneously. Once a body part is injured, they all join in and swell and scream in pain. I'm better this week, but moving slowly and cautiously, not daring to insult any muscle or joint. The gym will have to wait a bit longer.
Mom continues to decline with not many good days any more. We take her for drives around the county a time or two each week, but getting in and out of the house is challenging. The one step in her house is into the kitchen from the garage and she barely makes it. Each time feels as if we are climbing Everest, she battles to make it up. Stephen is going to fix an iron rail for her to use this week. I know that will give her more security for getting out. Mom still knows everyone when she sees us, but gets confused about who is who in conversation frequently mixing the Grandkids with the wrong parents. Some compare caring for an Alzheimer's patient with childcare, but I don't agree childcare is life giving, learning, teaching, living, Alzheimer's is a deathwatch. Watching as your beloved mother slips away, unable to stop it or make it better, just being there, holding a hand,
washing a frail body, brushing thin hair, listening to long forgotten stories told over and over. An
honor to serve, but so painful to experience. I'm so thankful we have a strong, loving family to share this.
I've actually finished a quilt this week and am binding another! I made them for my nephew's kids, Collier is two and her big brother Whitt is four. I don't get to spend much time with them, as they live in Louisville, but they are two special little people. I hand quilted Collier's, something I had second thoughts about as soon as I started. But I really loved the process and even made my own binding. Whitt's has seam tape and is hand tied, not quilted. It is a cowboy print patchwork, so fittingly simple. I'm more of a fabric collector than a quilter, but I think I will finish a crazy quilt I started for Courtney in OZ and quilt one I pieced for Shayla years ago. There's also a beautiful stack of London voile prints that demand a special project. Truthfully, I probably have enough fabric to provide all my kids, Grandkids, nieces and nephews with a quilt or two. But that's a pie in the sky thought, I know myself better than that.
It has been a year since we lost Steve and life has moved on in many ways, yet I continue to be surprised that he isn't here when I come home. I still listen when I wake for the sound of him making coffee in the kitchen, greeting the cats as he opens the back door to feed them. I drove his little blue truck last week and it felt like a big hug to climb into that little cab, full of his stuff. Straw hat, gloves, sunglasses, notepads, tools and all his plunder, just waiting for him. I often feel as if I, too, am waiting. Waiting for my life to restart, maybe, I don't know. I've never done this before. But I miss him with every breath I take.
Oh, I almost forgot, I bought myself a bike! Crazy old lady can't even pedal the exercise bike at the gym because the knee won't bend, thinks she is going to bike to town! Well, I know I won't if I don't have a bike!
Talk to me, Ladies. Take care. Hedy
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Busy week.
I know...another post so soon? But I'm just feeling like sharing. Mom and I had a quiet weekend, not much activity, but she did at least sleep all night. I cooked a meal from Trent's garden for us and Mom ate really well. She seldom eats much. I cleaned the garage and porches early Sunday before the awful heat built up. Jeez, Indiana could be the tropics in July!
Stephen, Shawn and the Yahoos came for Pizza and ice cream Sunday evening. It was good to go home to company. I love the still quiet of my house, but these guys are always a welcome treat. Nothing special just reading the Sunday paper, playing on their electronics and watching some TV, but I loved every minute. Sunday evenings have always been our family time since the kids married and moved out of the house, alway home on Sunday.
On Tuesday, I had a date with my little boys, lunch and go karts! Gavin and I put out a load of bedding on the clothes line before the others got here. I strung a couple of new lines last week. But I didn't allow for stretching and the sheets were dragging the grass by the time everything was hung. We thought on this problem for a bit, then decide to stick the ladder under the line to prop it up! "Great idea, Grandma", Gavin was so proud of us! I was ticked that I'd gotten cotton line instead of coated wire. It turned out Madeleine was included, she loves to kart, too. Gavin turned into an Indy driver! What a surprise, he is usually the cautious one. Caleb was quite taken back to be overtaken by his little cousin. A lesson learned there! Size doesn't matter, it is skill. We even went to WalMart, I felt like a traitor, but nowhere else to shop locally. Gav picked out a Nascar game for his xBox, Caleb couldn't find anything he wanted after Gma refused to buy Call of Duty. What are they thinking letting him play those games? Maddie didn't ask for a thing, she knew it was a boys' day. The three girls had theirs last week. And we have school clothes shopping coming soon.
I've cleaned house and washed a load of laundry today. Heading back to Mom's this afternoon. She has failed so much this year, weak and confused so much of the time. I'm taking a walker that Steve used to her today. Some mornings she can barely walk. I think this may give her just enough support to help get from the bed to the kitchen table and couch. She seldom moves beyond there. I'm planning to get her outside today, the weather is perfect this week. We can watch the traffic on her street and talk about past neighbors! Her neighborhood is a place of family homes with the families aging away; widows or widowers and empty houses. It was so full of life thirty years ago.
I have to run, Gavin left some important items here yesterday and must have them! He is expanding his Lego city and needs the characters he left. Plus his library book on chicken care. And his DS game and UA hoodie...love my little genius.
Talk to me, I enjoy the company. Love.
Stephen, Shawn and the Yahoos came for Pizza and ice cream Sunday evening. It was good to go home to company. I love the still quiet of my house, but these guys are always a welcome treat. Nothing special just reading the Sunday paper, playing on their electronics and watching some TV, but I loved every minute. Sunday evenings have always been our family time since the kids married and moved out of the house, alway home on Sunday.
On Tuesday, I had a date with my little boys, lunch and go karts! Gavin and I put out a load of bedding on the clothes line before the others got here. I strung a couple of new lines last week. But I didn't allow for stretching and the sheets were dragging the grass by the time everything was hung. We thought on this problem for a bit, then decide to stick the ladder under the line to prop it up! "Great idea, Grandma", Gavin was so proud of us! I was ticked that I'd gotten cotton line instead of coated wire. It turned out Madeleine was included, she loves to kart, too. Gavin turned into an Indy driver! What a surprise, he is usually the cautious one. Caleb was quite taken back to be overtaken by his little cousin. A lesson learned there! Size doesn't matter, it is skill. We even went to WalMart, I felt like a traitor, but nowhere else to shop locally. Gav picked out a Nascar game for his xBox, Caleb couldn't find anything he wanted after Gma refused to buy Call of Duty. What are they thinking letting him play those games? Maddie didn't ask for a thing, she knew it was a boys' day. The three girls had theirs last week. And we have school clothes shopping coming soon.
I've cleaned house and washed a load of laundry today. Heading back to Mom's this afternoon. She has failed so much this year, weak and confused so much of the time. I'm taking a walker that Steve used to her today. Some mornings she can barely walk. I think this may give her just enough support to help get from the bed to the kitchen table and couch. She seldom moves beyond there. I'm planning to get her outside today, the weather is perfect this week. We can watch the traffic on her street and talk about past neighbors! Her neighborhood is a place of family homes with the families aging away; widows or widowers and empty houses. It was so full of life thirty years ago.
I have to run, Gavin left some important items here yesterday and must have them! He is expanding his Lego city and needs the characters he left. Plus his library book on chicken care. And his DS game and UA hoodie...love my little genius.
Talk to me, I enjoy the company. Love.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Home again, home again jiggity jig!
How fast three months can pass, my trip of a lifetime is over. I'm home again, home again jiggity jig. It's Friday afternoon, I got home very late Wednesday night and I'm still in a daze.
Hello all, my daze has lingered for two weeks now. My body refuses to come back from OZ, at least my internal workings. I haven't slept three nights in those fourteen. I've never been much of a sleeper, but this is getting ridiculous!
My stay in Australia was a once in a lifetime dream come true! All my life, I've considered OZ to be a magical place and it is. The landscapes alone are other worldly, the native animals are quirky and straight from a fairy tale, the Queenslander houses are bright and airy and inspire living. Day to day life is similar to our life here in the US, but there are enough differences to make each day an adventure. Because all living takes place around the edges of the country, you are never far from the ocean or the mountains. We visited both within a couple of hours from home...amazing for this Hoosier who drives twelve hours to get an ocean fix.
I visited during fall/winter and slept with my windows open each night, got a glow from that constant sunshine and only saw rain three days out of the 86 I was there! I laughed, smiled and giggled more than I had in two years, frequently feeling like a five year old in my delight with the sights. I'd met my son-in-law years ago when we were young, but got to get to know him on this trip. Ken is a gentle giant, a real, old-fashioned gentleman. I enjoyed his intelligence, kindness, wit and graciousness, but loved him for his devotion to my daughter. His focus appears to be making her happy, enjoying his family and entertaining anyone within his sphere. Courtney is happier and more at peace than I've ever seen her. THAT is worth the distance apart. A mom just wants to see her children happy with their place in this world and I've seen that here.
Yesterday my girls and I had a Gma day shopping and lunching in Bloomington, so much fun. We even saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes last night with Shawn and Caleb. A sad yet good movie that showed a possible? path of humankind. Those Planet movies have gotten me since Charlton Heston's first adventure years ago. With today's computer advances, they are so real!
Off to Mom's for the weekend! Talk to me. Love
Hello all, my daze has lingered for two weeks now. My body refuses to come back from OZ, at least my internal workings. I haven't slept three nights in those fourteen. I've never been much of a sleeper, but this is getting ridiculous!
My stay in Australia was a once in a lifetime dream come true! All my life, I've considered OZ to be a magical place and it is. The landscapes alone are other worldly, the native animals are quirky and straight from a fairy tale, the Queenslander houses are bright and airy and inspire living. Day to day life is similar to our life here in the US, but there are enough differences to make each day an adventure. Because all living takes place around the edges of the country, you are never far from the ocean or the mountains. We visited both within a couple of hours from home...amazing for this Hoosier who drives twelve hours to get an ocean fix.
I visited during fall/winter and slept with my windows open each night, got a glow from that constant sunshine and only saw rain three days out of the 86 I was there! I laughed, smiled and giggled more than I had in two years, frequently feeling like a five year old in my delight with the sights. I'd met my son-in-law years ago when we were young, but got to get to know him on this trip. Ken is a gentle giant, a real, old-fashioned gentleman. I enjoyed his intelligence, kindness, wit and graciousness, but loved him for his devotion to my daughter. His focus appears to be making her happy, enjoying his family and entertaining anyone within his sphere. Courtney is happier and more at peace than I've ever seen her. THAT is worth the distance apart. A mom just wants to see her children happy with their place in this world and I've seen that here.
Yesterday my girls and I had a Gma day shopping and lunching in Bloomington, so much fun. We even saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes last night with Shawn and Caleb. A sad yet good movie that showed a possible? path of humankind. Those Planet movies have gotten me since Charlton Heston's first adventure years ago. With today's computer advances, they are so real!
Off to Mom's for the weekend! Talk to me. Love
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
May - Month Two in OZ
Hello all,
May has been a beautiful month here and no day more perfect than today. As I sit on the balcony of our vacation rental a stone's throw from the Pacific Ocean, the large cargo ships move in and out of Brisbane harbor, waves crash on the flat rocks, and sailboats zip past. I am so blessed to experience all of this and cannot describe what it means to me. As I get older, my soul seems to crave the water. It lifts the trouble from my heart and mind and allows the wind to blow them away. I breathe better at the ocean, not with my lungs, with my being. I feel so much a part of nature and God's creation while watching, listening, breathing the sea. So peaceful, so calming.
We arrived here at Caloundra on Friday, it is only a two hour drive from Courtney's house. I was like a five year old anticipating my first glimpse of water; the change in the sky came first, that lovely lightness, then the landscape changed, tunnels of Norfolk pines towering on each side of the road guiding us toward our destination, ahh there it was...the water crashing in the distance, spreading out as far as I could see. It had only been three weeks since I'd been on Bribie Island watching this same water but it seemed ages since I'd had my needed dose. How do I manage once or twice a year back home? We are here till Sunday, I hope to place each moment in a box and store it away for remembering during the long, hot summer in Indiana.
On Saturday we walked the boardwalk bordering the town, people were everywhere. Not in overwhelming crowds, just in clusters spread along the beach and park and shops. Life was going on here, a kickball game at a birthday party, a wedding being set-up with white chairs and blue tulle, windsurfers zooming along the edge of the beach sometimes skipping out of the water into the air. Courtney and I giggled at it all unable to contain the joy bubbling up in us. I took photos of everything and everyone, attempting to capture all that living.
Sunday was another treat. We went to the street market, a sort of flea market without the tacky bits. Food, art, crafts, linens, pottery, street performers, a few questionable sellers of questionable products (maybe), but it was fun. I'm not a shopper, you all know that unless we are talking online, but this place inspired shopping. I needed a hat for sun protection, a tablecloth for my redecorated dining room, a print with princess and a unicorn for Bella's birthday, a sign marking "King's Beach" for Nina's pool deck, a bag of passion fruit for our yogurt and the world's most delicious pineapple. All this, of course must ride home on my lap when we leave on Sunday, Ken says!
Our Aunt Edna and cousin Kathy came on Monday to spend the rest of the week here. Edna is an Aussie girl who lives in French Lick, Kathy is her daughter-in-law. She is really our cousin, having married my Dad's cousin Jim during the war, but we have always referred to them as our favorite uncle and aunt. She is, however, Ken's aunt! His Mum's sister. Don't be concerned, there is no blood connection between Courtney and Ken, they just met at a family dinner years ago! A long story for another time. Sharing paradise with family makes it that much better.
Courtney will be having surgery on Monday after our return, we would appreciate prayers. It is a simple procedure, taking an hour only, but will require a hospital stay and a few weeks recovery. I hope to have her on her feet before leaving for the US. That will give us a month for recovery and a bit more traveling. They have a trip to Coochiemudlo Island and one to a ranch belonging to friends scheduled for June. Ken is retired Navy and as an amazing assortment of interesting family and friends around Australia. I've enjoyed meeting them and hearing their stories. Dinner conversations are a treat. I've always been an eager student and I'm thrilled with all the tales being shared.
Time for an afternoon walk, everyone is napping or reading on the balcony, I think I will stroll down to the park for a few minutes and BREATHE in some sea air. Take care Ladies. Talk to me. Love
May has been a beautiful month here and no day more perfect than today. As I sit on the balcony of our vacation rental a stone's throw from the Pacific Ocean, the large cargo ships move in and out of Brisbane harbor, waves crash on the flat rocks, and sailboats zip past. I am so blessed to experience all of this and cannot describe what it means to me. As I get older, my soul seems to crave the water. It lifts the trouble from my heart and mind and allows the wind to blow them away. I breathe better at the ocean, not with my lungs, with my being. I feel so much a part of nature and God's creation while watching, listening, breathing the sea. So peaceful, so calming.
We arrived here at Caloundra on Friday, it is only a two hour drive from Courtney's house. I was like a five year old anticipating my first glimpse of water; the change in the sky came first, that lovely lightness, then the landscape changed, tunnels of Norfolk pines towering on each side of the road guiding us toward our destination, ahh there it was...the water crashing in the distance, spreading out as far as I could see. It had only been three weeks since I'd been on Bribie Island watching this same water but it seemed ages since I'd had my needed dose. How do I manage once or twice a year back home? We are here till Sunday, I hope to place each moment in a box and store it away for remembering during the long, hot summer in Indiana.
On Saturday we walked the boardwalk bordering the town, people were everywhere. Not in overwhelming crowds, just in clusters spread along the beach and park and shops. Life was going on here, a kickball game at a birthday party, a wedding being set-up with white chairs and blue tulle, windsurfers zooming along the edge of the beach sometimes skipping out of the water into the air. Courtney and I giggled at it all unable to contain the joy bubbling up in us. I took photos of everything and everyone, attempting to capture all that living.
Sunday was another treat. We went to the street market, a sort of flea market without the tacky bits. Food, art, crafts, linens, pottery, street performers, a few questionable sellers of questionable products (maybe), but it was fun. I'm not a shopper, you all know that unless we are talking online, but this place inspired shopping. I needed a hat for sun protection, a tablecloth for my redecorated dining room, a print with princess and a unicorn for Bella's birthday, a sign marking "King's Beach" for Nina's pool deck, a bag of passion fruit for our yogurt and the world's most delicious pineapple. All this, of course must ride home on my lap when we leave on Sunday, Ken says!
Our Aunt Edna and cousin Kathy came on Monday to spend the rest of the week here. Edna is an Aussie girl who lives in French Lick, Kathy is her daughter-in-law. She is really our cousin, having married my Dad's cousin Jim during the war, but we have always referred to them as our favorite uncle and aunt. She is, however, Ken's aunt! His Mum's sister. Don't be concerned, there is no blood connection between Courtney and Ken, they just met at a family dinner years ago! A long story for another time. Sharing paradise with family makes it that much better.
Courtney will be having surgery on Monday after our return, we would appreciate prayers. It is a simple procedure, taking an hour only, but will require a hospital stay and a few weeks recovery. I hope to have her on her feet before leaving for the US. That will give us a month for recovery and a bit more traveling. They have a trip to Coochiemudlo Island and one to a ranch belonging to friends scheduled for June. Ken is retired Navy and as an amazing assortment of interesting family and friends around Australia. I've enjoyed meeting them and hearing their stories. Dinner conversations are a treat. I've always been an eager student and I'm thrilled with all the tales being shared.
Time for an afternoon walk, everyone is napping or reading on the balcony, I think I will stroll down to the park for a few minutes and BREATHE in some sea air. Take care Ladies. Talk to me. Love
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
April- my first month in OZ
G'day Ladies!
I'm having a nice visit with Courtney and Ken in their Australian home. Lowood is a small rural town outside of Brisbane, where they formally lived. Their new home is in an estate, think housing development, with many, many nice brick and stucco homes. Paved driveways, tile roof and privacy fences. Sort of suburbs down under. Very nice, rather quiet except this week with the college kids on break.
The towns are rather like little villages with a grocery, a butcher and a bakery in each one. Along with a pleasant little park in town center for the kiddos . I enjoy the bakery/coffee shop in Fernvale abit too much, as I need to stop in for a cup and an eclair frequently. Yum. The Valley needs a bakery like this one. Lovely treats, sandwiches, fruit pies, meat pies and enough tea to re float our casino! I love our Mickie's Deli but this place has sweet tables under giant shade trees and seating inside as well. Life here is similar to ours, just upside down. The sky here is enormous and so blue if appears painted by a master. Everything is blooming in bold, hot colors and birds are everywhere. No kangaroos or koalas have been sited yet but a large flock of white parrots settled in a neighboring treetop as we had lunch last week. So pretty.
We have had Ken's Grandkids a few days, it's a hoot to hear proper Aussie speak out of little mouths. I'm constantly chuckling. Kas, the 4 year old cracks me up with his "Poppy, I'd rather not take a sleep" and "Ninny, I don't care for real food, I prefer a treat, thank you"! Otherwise he and Bella are typical Grandkids. Charming us with their cuteness.
I will meet the whole of Ken's family next week at a big birthday party in Toowoomba, doesn't that sound exotic? I love the names of the places here, either Aborigine or English in their background, they all sound like adventure to me! I was a bit disappointed to discover Ipswitch was more like Bloomington than London. But the country towns have been such a treat, just what I expected.
I miss sharing this trip with Stephen King, he would have loved it out here. The open hills with cattle and lovely Queenslander farm houses scattered on them. The road signs alone are worth the trip, I'm unsure of what some even mean. Of course, I'm not driving yet, haven't adjusted to the wrong side of the road.
Talk to me ladies and take care. I will check back soon. Love
I'm having a nice visit with Courtney and Ken in their Australian home. Lowood is a small rural town outside of Brisbane, where they formally lived. Their new home is in an estate, think housing development, with many, many nice brick and stucco homes. Paved driveways, tile roof and privacy fences. Sort of suburbs down under. Very nice, rather quiet except this week with the college kids on break.
The towns are rather like little villages with a grocery, a butcher and a bakery in each one. Along with a pleasant little park in town center for the kiddos . I enjoy the bakery/coffee shop in Fernvale abit too much, as I need to stop in for a cup and an eclair frequently. Yum. The Valley needs a bakery like this one. Lovely treats, sandwiches, fruit pies, meat pies and enough tea to re float our casino! I love our Mickie's Deli but this place has sweet tables under giant shade trees and seating inside as well. Life here is similar to ours, just upside down. The sky here is enormous and so blue if appears painted by a master. Everything is blooming in bold, hot colors and birds are everywhere. No kangaroos or koalas have been sited yet but a large flock of white parrots settled in a neighboring treetop as we had lunch last week. So pretty.
We have had Ken's Grandkids a few days, it's a hoot to hear proper Aussie speak out of little mouths. I'm constantly chuckling. Kas, the 4 year old cracks me up with his "Poppy, I'd rather not take a sleep" and "Ninny, I don't care for real food, I prefer a treat, thank you"! Otherwise he and Bella are typical Grandkids. Charming us with their cuteness.
I will meet the whole of Ken's family next week at a big birthday party in Toowoomba, doesn't that sound exotic? I love the names of the places here, either Aborigine or English in their background, they all sound like adventure to me! I was a bit disappointed to discover Ipswitch was more like Bloomington than London. But the country towns have been such a treat, just what I expected.
I miss sharing this trip with Stephen King, he would have loved it out here. The open hills with cattle and lovely Queenslander farm houses scattered on them. The road signs alone are worth the trip, I'm unsure of what some even mean. Of course, I'm not driving yet, haven't adjusted to the wrong side of the road.
Talk to me ladies and take care. I will check back soon. Love
Saturday, March 15, 2014
The Countdown Begins
Hello, it has been awhile since I've posted. No excuse, not especially busy, just nothing to say. My mind takes frequent stops in The Dull Zone and doesn't want to start up again. I'm blaming the Winter That Never Ends. It is so convient to have this terrible weather to blame for all our illness, depression, weight gain....
I started back in the gym with Devin this week, I haven't been since the first of the year and had slipped back into weak and awkward mode. Only 16 days till OZ, so if I'm going to recue this body, it has to begin now. I really doubt my intelligence sometimes, how can a reasonably bright woman let herself become a toad? No, not even a toad, a toad can hop like a champion. A slug! that's it, a weak, no muscle slug. I am so disappointed in myself, while training I was pedaling 4-5 miles in a 20 minute stint, Tuesday I managed a mile and a half. Shameful. And I had to ice both my knees afterwards. How can I expect to traipse around Australia on these legs? Back to twice a week in the gym plus daily walks with Hank. He will always pull me back to the house if I cannot make it.
The photo class has been less than successful, I missed a session while at Mom's one week. However, it is my natural ineptness with technology which impairs my picture taking results. Anything with more than one button and I am sunk. Chad says we can always use automatic when we are shooting for ourselves; the new cameras are smart enough to give great pictures, but I wanted to create not just capture my photos. I still have two classes before I leave so maybe a miracle will happen and I will become the latest Annie WhoeverWitz. Actually I will be satisfied with clear photos of my trip to share when I return.
My Emmaus Walk is the 20th thru the 23rd and I am looking forward to it. I have no idea what to expect but someone said, "it is a time of sitting in the lap of Jesus" and I am ready for that. I want so much to have peace around my grieving for Steve, Mom's slipping away, my anxiety regarding how I am to make a new life. I need to rediscover my place in this world with God leading the way. I am nothing but hopeful as this gets closer. I have always felt God's grace in my life and need it now more than ever. My sponsor, Marcy, is a sweet friend who has been inspiring me the last few years as she has met enormous challenges with faith and grace. She has shown me I am ready accept our Lord in a deeper, fuller way than I have before. I feel stronger whenever I speak with her. Oddly enough, the counselor has become the student in this.
All is well with our kids and grandkids right now. My boys are both working out of state which is a trial, but they know they are blessed to have good jobs when so many do not. Their dad always hated being away from home and said he felt like an intruder some weekends. I always felt bad for him, but the kids and I had to get through our week on our own. We developed a system and it was difficult to switch back when Friday night came. We flipped from dumping everything on him to not letting him do anything, a rather schizo life style for everyone. I was always so thrilled when Stephen King had work close to home! Families need daily interaction to be happy and healthy. I probably overthink our situations now that Steve is gone, beating myself up for something that I couldn't control 40 years ago. Again I doubt my intelligence :-)
Our little guys are growing leaps and bounds, they will be taller than me in a couple of years. I love those two boys, they are such a sweet mix of their dads and themselves I am amazed. I pray for them daily, the world can be so hard on boys, I want to to experience adventure and thrills, peace and contentment. I want the same for our three girls of course, but the girls will be protected and cared for because of their circumstances. Shay and Maddie will be children all their lives, Bless their hearts. Mackenzie seems to have less daring than most, as a result of her stressful past. She has the faith of a saint. I feel this will protect her from the world in the same way caring adults will protect her sister and cousin. But, oh those boys will be neck deep in whatever hijinks they can find, I know. God be with them.
Shay attends First Chance Center daily but has a couple of outside jobs, too. She helps at Head Start on Mondays and at the local optometrist office on Tuesdays. Everyone loves her and she is such a caring young woman, she works hard for them. She was crowned Miss St. Patrick at the Center's Spring dance last night (see my FB page). You never see her without her smile which makes her even more beautiful. Of all the grandkids, she talks more about her Papaw Steve, they were a special pair from day one. Losing him is still difficult for her and she frequently breaks into tears when telling a story about him.
Mack is finishing up her freshman year at IUS and seems set on getting into the Nursing program to become a Nurse Practioner. I admire her determination as she bit by bit works toward her goal. We are concerned for her health in being exposed to so many sick people with her suppressed immune system. She is going to discuss this with her doctors at her next visit in Indy. Hopefully her momma and gma are being overly cautious again.
Madeleine is transitioning to high school by having a couple of classes with the LifeSkills teacher this semester. She found Algebra and 8th grade Science much too challenging, so Mrs. Andry is working on her math and science skills in a less pressured environment. She has responded well, showing fewer signs of stress toward school. She still counts the days till Friday, but don't they all? Puberty and all the emotions that accompany it have been tough on Maddie, she cries at the drop of a hat, spends time in her room alone and is even more inclined to refuse to speak. Poor kiddo, I pray she moves quickly into the next stage of development soon, for all their sakes.
Our Joe is finding some stability in his life now. He has been living in another area since his release last year. He works and attends his meetings and goes to church. And he is out in nature again, always a woodsman, he lives on the Ohio River now and loves his little place. Of course, there is a lady in his life, when do we learn to strengthen ourselves before taking on another's burdens? He appears happy, but she has 4 little ones and struggles with many of the same issues as him. They do attend meetings and church together which is encouraging and we pray they will be successful in this relationship. I try to step back and not be too concerned that he can't handle a breakup. Leaving God in control is hard for this gma.
Courtney and Ken have a full itinerary for my visit, from a trip to the seaside to selecting "chooks" for the new henhouse. I am excited to be with them in their home for the first time. After a lifetime of dreaming of Australia, I will be there!! Seems impossible to believe. Right now I must close and get busy on cornbread! Nina is cooking for the family and I am taking corncakes to go with the pulled pork and bbq chicken. Love you all. Talk to me, Ladies. Hedy
I started back in the gym with Devin this week, I haven't been since the first of the year and had slipped back into weak and awkward mode. Only 16 days till OZ, so if I'm going to recue this body, it has to begin now. I really doubt my intelligence sometimes, how can a reasonably bright woman let herself become a toad? No, not even a toad, a toad can hop like a champion. A slug! that's it, a weak, no muscle slug. I am so disappointed in myself, while training I was pedaling 4-5 miles in a 20 minute stint, Tuesday I managed a mile and a half. Shameful. And I had to ice both my knees afterwards. How can I expect to traipse around Australia on these legs? Back to twice a week in the gym plus daily walks with Hank. He will always pull me back to the house if I cannot make it.
The photo class has been less than successful, I missed a session while at Mom's one week. However, it is my natural ineptness with technology which impairs my picture taking results. Anything with more than one button and I am sunk. Chad says we can always use automatic when we are shooting for ourselves; the new cameras are smart enough to give great pictures, but I wanted to create not just capture my photos. I still have two classes before I leave so maybe a miracle will happen and I will become the latest Annie WhoeverWitz. Actually I will be satisfied with clear photos of my trip to share when I return.
My Emmaus Walk is the 20th thru the 23rd and I am looking forward to it. I have no idea what to expect but someone said, "it is a time of sitting in the lap of Jesus" and I am ready for that. I want so much to have peace around my grieving for Steve, Mom's slipping away, my anxiety regarding how I am to make a new life. I need to rediscover my place in this world with God leading the way. I am nothing but hopeful as this gets closer. I have always felt God's grace in my life and need it now more than ever. My sponsor, Marcy, is a sweet friend who has been inspiring me the last few years as she has met enormous challenges with faith and grace. She has shown me I am ready accept our Lord in a deeper, fuller way than I have before. I feel stronger whenever I speak with her. Oddly enough, the counselor has become the student in this.
All is well with our kids and grandkids right now. My boys are both working out of state which is a trial, but they know they are blessed to have good jobs when so many do not. Their dad always hated being away from home and said he felt like an intruder some weekends. I always felt bad for him, but the kids and I had to get through our week on our own. We developed a system and it was difficult to switch back when Friday night came. We flipped from dumping everything on him to not letting him do anything, a rather schizo life style for everyone. I was always so thrilled when Stephen King had work close to home! Families need daily interaction to be happy and healthy. I probably overthink our situations now that Steve is gone, beating myself up for something that I couldn't control 40 years ago. Again I doubt my intelligence :-)
Our little guys are growing leaps and bounds, they will be taller than me in a couple of years. I love those two boys, they are such a sweet mix of their dads and themselves I am amazed. I pray for them daily, the world can be so hard on boys, I want to to experience adventure and thrills, peace and contentment. I want the same for our three girls of course, but the girls will be protected and cared for because of their circumstances. Shay and Maddie will be children all their lives, Bless their hearts. Mackenzie seems to have less daring than most, as a result of her stressful past. She has the faith of a saint. I feel this will protect her from the world in the same way caring adults will protect her sister and cousin. But, oh those boys will be neck deep in whatever hijinks they can find, I know. God be with them.
Shay attends First Chance Center daily but has a couple of outside jobs, too. She helps at Head Start on Mondays and at the local optometrist office on Tuesdays. Everyone loves her and she is such a caring young woman, she works hard for them. She was crowned Miss St. Patrick at the Center's Spring dance last night (see my FB page). You never see her without her smile which makes her even more beautiful. Of all the grandkids, she talks more about her Papaw Steve, they were a special pair from day one. Losing him is still difficult for her and she frequently breaks into tears when telling a story about him.
Mack is finishing up her freshman year at IUS and seems set on getting into the Nursing program to become a Nurse Practioner. I admire her determination as she bit by bit works toward her goal. We are concerned for her health in being exposed to so many sick people with her suppressed immune system. She is going to discuss this with her doctors at her next visit in Indy. Hopefully her momma and gma are being overly cautious again.
Madeleine is transitioning to high school by having a couple of classes with the LifeSkills teacher this semester. She found Algebra and 8th grade Science much too challenging, so Mrs. Andry is working on her math and science skills in a less pressured environment. She has responded well, showing fewer signs of stress toward school. She still counts the days till Friday, but don't they all? Puberty and all the emotions that accompany it have been tough on Maddie, she cries at the drop of a hat, spends time in her room alone and is even more inclined to refuse to speak. Poor kiddo, I pray she moves quickly into the next stage of development soon, for all their sakes.
Our Joe is finding some stability in his life now. He has been living in another area since his release last year. He works and attends his meetings and goes to church. And he is out in nature again, always a woodsman, he lives on the Ohio River now and loves his little place. Of course, there is a lady in his life, when do we learn to strengthen ourselves before taking on another's burdens? He appears happy, but she has 4 little ones and struggles with many of the same issues as him. They do attend meetings and church together which is encouraging and we pray they will be successful in this relationship. I try to step back and not be too concerned that he can't handle a breakup. Leaving God in control is hard for this gma.
Courtney and Ken have a full itinerary for my visit, from a trip to the seaside to selecting "chooks" for the new henhouse. I am excited to be with them in their home for the first time. After a lifetime of dreaming of Australia, I will be there!! Seems impossible to believe. Right now I must close and get busy on cornbread! Nina is cooking for the family and I am taking corncakes to go with the pulled pork and bbq chicken. Love you all. Talk to me, Ladies. Hedy
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Cold?
Can anyone believe this winter we are having? I am so tired of being cold. But the sun on the snow is breathtaking, when we have sunshine. And today we do. The snow is about 5 inches deep here but has a thick layer of ice on top, like a candy shell. Feeding Hank and the cats today was an adventure. Someplaces I could stand on the snow without breaking thru, as if weightless. The next step I was in over my shoetops with a loud CRUNCH.
Life has been abit hard lately. Time seems to make me miss Stephen King more each day. The dreadful cold hasn't helped, of course. But I truely don't mind the being alone so much as I just mind being without him. I find the silence of living alone to be a comfort, a buffer from the noise of the world. I usually spend the day quietly without TV or music. I watch the nightly news and Jeopardy, as we always did, challenging myself to answer before the contestants buzz in. Steve would always shake his head and say, "why don't you sign up for that?" Knowing fullwell my brain would freeze in front of anyone other than him.
I am doing the Ammaus Walk next month before leaving for Australia. I hope to find peace and regroup my thoughts before leaving home. I have lost my calmness and I miss it. I need to be centered again, if possible. I pray the Lord grants me that.
Our mom is failing faster, it appears. She is so quiet most days and is too weak to get out of the house. Resting after her morning bath before she can go into breakfast is becoming the norm. Sometimes lunch is in the family room now, as the kitchen seems too far for her. Her world gets smaller and smaller. My trip to Oz seems impossible when I am with her. The world seems much too big in her eyes. She speaks of that and of Brother Mike's constant traveling as if they were trips to the Moon, forgetting she and Dad would frequently fly to Vegas, Hawaii or Florida as if it were a mere daytrip. She never understood anyones desire to travel, preferring to stay home with us where she "belonged". I am taking a quick photography class so I can share my travel experiences with her and the family, but if she isn't here when I return it will be OK. She only longs for a trip to be with Dad, not worldly travel.
Seeing where our daughter lives is something I am looking forward to, more her home, not the country. Home is so important. Who we live with and how we live are reflections of ourselves. Not the size of a house or the best appliances but how we choose to live. Simple living is sometimes the most difficult, especially with children. Steve and I made a decision early on to live quietly, simply in the county with our kids, a few animals and few distractions. That worked well for years. Until it didn't anymore. I have wondered what if we hadn't moved from the farm. What if we had stayed and insisted the kids ride the bus? What if we hadn't allowed cars and after-school jobs? What would life have been then? Could we have protected them from the world? Could we have prevented the bad things? They lived through it all and it helped make them who they are, but I wonder if a different decision would have been a better decision. I am sure every parent asks the same questions.
I have managed to get a few quilts ready to be quilted in the past few weeks, but haven't attempted the quilting. I will send them out to someone who has better skills than I possess. Maybe if I complete a tiny one, I will quilt it. I've loaded my old Sears machine into the Jeep to give to a young friend next time I am in town. It has been a good solid machine since my boys were toddlers, but I am using a Singer my mom used in the 50s. I love it so much. It is a beautiful elegant thing, rather petite like Mom. But strong and dependable, again, like Mom. It only does straight stitches, no zigzag, no fancy stitches, no buttons, no computer programs, just true straight stitches. I love it.
I ordered a kit to make Gavin a space themed quilt. Don't tell him, it may be for his college graduation! I've never used a kit with a center panel and themed fabrics but it looks simple. I have a fabric with planets spinning through a dark sky for the back. I hope he likes it. I'm sure they could find one at Wally World but WallyWorld doesn't understand his love of space.
It is getting dark, I need to close my shades and keep in the warm. Talk to me Ladies. Love, Hedy
Life has been abit hard lately. Time seems to make me miss Stephen King more each day. The dreadful cold hasn't helped, of course. But I truely don't mind the being alone so much as I just mind being without him. I find the silence of living alone to be a comfort, a buffer from the noise of the world. I usually spend the day quietly without TV or music. I watch the nightly news and Jeopardy, as we always did, challenging myself to answer before the contestants buzz in. Steve would always shake his head and say, "why don't you sign up for that?" Knowing fullwell my brain would freeze in front of anyone other than him.
I am doing the Ammaus Walk next month before leaving for Australia. I hope to find peace and regroup my thoughts before leaving home. I have lost my calmness and I miss it. I need to be centered again, if possible. I pray the Lord grants me that.
Our mom is failing faster, it appears. She is so quiet most days and is too weak to get out of the house. Resting after her morning bath before she can go into breakfast is becoming the norm. Sometimes lunch is in the family room now, as the kitchen seems too far for her. Her world gets smaller and smaller. My trip to Oz seems impossible when I am with her. The world seems much too big in her eyes. She speaks of that and of Brother Mike's constant traveling as if they were trips to the Moon, forgetting she and Dad would frequently fly to Vegas, Hawaii or Florida as if it were a mere daytrip. She never understood anyones desire to travel, preferring to stay home with us where she "belonged". I am taking a quick photography class so I can share my travel experiences with her and the family, but if she isn't here when I return it will be OK. She only longs for a trip to be with Dad, not worldly travel.
Seeing where our daughter lives is something I am looking forward to, more her home, not the country. Home is so important. Who we live with and how we live are reflections of ourselves. Not the size of a house or the best appliances but how we choose to live. Simple living is sometimes the most difficult, especially with children. Steve and I made a decision early on to live quietly, simply in the county with our kids, a few animals and few distractions. That worked well for years. Until it didn't anymore. I have wondered what if we hadn't moved from the farm. What if we had stayed and insisted the kids ride the bus? What if we hadn't allowed cars and after-school jobs? What would life have been then? Could we have protected them from the world? Could we have prevented the bad things? They lived through it all and it helped make them who they are, but I wonder if a different decision would have been a better decision. I am sure every parent asks the same questions.
I have managed to get a few quilts ready to be quilted in the past few weeks, but haven't attempted the quilting. I will send them out to someone who has better skills than I possess. Maybe if I complete a tiny one, I will quilt it. I've loaded my old Sears machine into the Jeep to give to a young friend next time I am in town. It has been a good solid machine since my boys were toddlers, but I am using a Singer my mom used in the 50s. I love it so much. It is a beautiful elegant thing, rather petite like Mom. But strong and dependable, again, like Mom. It only does straight stitches, no zigzag, no fancy stitches, no buttons, no computer programs, just true straight stitches. I love it.
I ordered a kit to make Gavin a space themed quilt. Don't tell him, it may be for his college graduation! I've never used a kit with a center panel and themed fabrics but it looks simple. I have a fabric with planets spinning through a dark sky for the back. I hope he likes it. I'm sure they could find one at Wally World but WallyWorld doesn't understand his love of space.
It is getting dark, I need to close my shades and keep in the warm. Talk to me Ladies. Love, Hedy
Monday, January 13, 2014
A New Year- a new beginning
Happy New Year Everyone! Well ok, new year plus 13 days.
It would appear that the new year, new beginning I've been praying for is starting out about the same as the last one. Dang, I was hoping for more than this polar vortex, sickness, depression and death, but it is not to be. Our family lost yet another husband, brother, father this week, my brother-in-law. He was diagnosed a few months after Steve was with lung cancer that spread to his brain. Steve always considered him an older brother and spent lots of time with him after he retired. My heart breaks for my sister-in-law and nieces and nephew. We know what they are suffering. May God bless them all with His grace.
I have never been effected much by the weather but, my goodness, this cold, dark, ugly stuff is getting on my last nerve. I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit, dreading to leave my shelter. I deliver my meals on Friday, if weather allows, spend my weekend with my mom and then stay inside all week. Getting spooky, my sister claims. Not really, I just need the solitude and silence to heal my heart and soul. I read, attempt some quilt piecing, rearrange furniture and read some more. Google has allowed me to become somewhat of an expert on many topics. Jeopardy is one of the few things I watch on TV and I google answers I am unfamiliar with. Oh I know not to end that sentence with a preposition, but really, don't we all talk this way? How stilted to say "answers with which I am unfamiliar"? Besides my college comp professor said if you know the rules you can break them. Apparently rules are just for the uneducated, maybe?
To be honest, I have been depressed lately and sad and angry. So what? I have been a good girl all my life, followed all the rules and helped others. Just like my parents, teachers and Scout leaders directed. And now at 64 I am a widow, alone and it stinks. I would say 'sucks or blows' but I do not like those words. I have always had anger issues of an untypical kind, I don't know how to be angry, I just don't have it in me. No great big loud outburst of noise, no cursing, no threatening to nail anyone to a wall by tender body parts, I just cry. And I am not a cryer, therefore, my anger problem. I have this big dark well inside that is just there and I don't know how to empty or fill it.
As a counselor I know that letting others in will help, helping others will help, but as a griever (?) I am not ready yet. I know that a massage would help my tight muscles, but I cannot take the chance that I might break with that much intense contact. I am too fragile and vulnerable to risk my control over my self. And you all thought I was the queen of calm and control, didn't you? Yep, this piece of the rock is crumbling a tiny bit.
I am doing a personal Bible study on The Authentic Voice with Dr. Billy Graham's daughter, seeking to find Gods voice in all of this hurt. I keep listening to hear Him say He is here with me and it will be OK, but I hear only silence. I know He is and it will be, but right now I need more. Once when our son was flown to Louisville after a car wreck, I felt God in the car with us, telling me our child would live. I keep listening for that loving voice again. Time heals all things, maybe, maybe not.
My life is full of blessings. Yes, I can truthfully, sincerely say that to you. I count and rejoice in those blessings daily. I know millions of people suffer much greater pain everyday. Mothers must watch their babies starve to death, die from disease or be shot down in war. People experience agony in ways we cannot imagine. My mind knows all this to be true. And yet I hurt. I hurt for my loss, my children's and grand children's loss. And I am angry at cancer, at doctors, at the world.
Well, not that that is out, how beautiful was today, huh? Sunny and mild almost balmy. I loved it. I came home from Mom's and cleaned my fridge! Yep, I'm weird. Nothing like a clean, empty fridge, I must buy groceries tomorrow! The loaf of bread I bought before Christmas is looking a bit suspicious, even toasting doesn't help the taste. I'm out of fruit and tortillas and hummus, only peanut butter and stale crackers left for supper tonight. I hate shopping, Stephen King was my shopping knight in shining armor. Apparently I only love cooking for others, who knew? My boys fixed my frozen pipes last Monday and said they were afraid they were eating my last meal with their tomato soup and quesidilla lunch. It just doesn't feel important to eat. Yet strangely I manage to remain an overweight status. My metabolism is akin to a whales, I am convinced.
It is 3:00 am, I must get into bed. Take care and talk to me. Love
It would appear that the new year, new beginning I've been praying for is starting out about the same as the last one. Dang, I was hoping for more than this polar vortex, sickness, depression and death, but it is not to be. Our family lost yet another husband, brother, father this week, my brother-in-law. He was diagnosed a few months after Steve was with lung cancer that spread to his brain. Steve always considered him an older brother and spent lots of time with him after he retired. My heart breaks for my sister-in-law and nieces and nephew. We know what they are suffering. May God bless them all with His grace.
I have never been effected much by the weather but, my goodness, this cold, dark, ugly stuff is getting on my last nerve. I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit, dreading to leave my shelter. I deliver my meals on Friday, if weather allows, spend my weekend with my mom and then stay inside all week. Getting spooky, my sister claims. Not really, I just need the solitude and silence to heal my heart and soul. I read, attempt some quilt piecing, rearrange furniture and read some more. Google has allowed me to become somewhat of an expert on many topics. Jeopardy is one of the few things I watch on TV and I google answers I am unfamiliar with. Oh I know not to end that sentence with a preposition, but really, don't we all talk this way? How stilted to say "answers with which I am unfamiliar"? Besides my college comp professor said if you know the rules you can break them. Apparently rules are just for the uneducated, maybe?
To be honest, I have been depressed lately and sad and angry. So what? I have been a good girl all my life, followed all the rules and helped others. Just like my parents, teachers and Scout leaders directed. And now at 64 I am a widow, alone and it stinks. I would say 'sucks or blows' but I do not like those words. I have always had anger issues of an untypical kind, I don't know how to be angry, I just don't have it in me. No great big loud outburst of noise, no cursing, no threatening to nail anyone to a wall by tender body parts, I just cry. And I am not a cryer, therefore, my anger problem. I have this big dark well inside that is just there and I don't know how to empty or fill it.
As a counselor I know that letting others in will help, helping others will help, but as a griever (?) I am not ready yet. I know that a massage would help my tight muscles, but I cannot take the chance that I might break with that much intense contact. I am too fragile and vulnerable to risk my control over my self. And you all thought I was the queen of calm and control, didn't you? Yep, this piece of the rock is crumbling a tiny bit.
I am doing a personal Bible study on The Authentic Voice with Dr. Billy Graham's daughter, seeking to find Gods voice in all of this hurt. I keep listening to hear Him say He is here with me and it will be OK, but I hear only silence. I know He is and it will be, but right now I need more. Once when our son was flown to Louisville after a car wreck, I felt God in the car with us, telling me our child would live. I keep listening for that loving voice again. Time heals all things, maybe, maybe not.
My life is full of blessings. Yes, I can truthfully, sincerely say that to you. I count and rejoice in those blessings daily. I know millions of people suffer much greater pain everyday. Mothers must watch their babies starve to death, die from disease or be shot down in war. People experience agony in ways we cannot imagine. My mind knows all this to be true. And yet I hurt. I hurt for my loss, my children's and grand children's loss. And I am angry at cancer, at doctors, at the world.
Well, not that that is out, how beautiful was today, huh? Sunny and mild almost balmy. I loved it. I came home from Mom's and cleaned my fridge! Yep, I'm weird. Nothing like a clean, empty fridge, I must buy groceries tomorrow! The loaf of bread I bought before Christmas is looking a bit suspicious, even toasting doesn't help the taste. I'm out of fruit and tortillas and hummus, only peanut butter and stale crackers left for supper tonight. I hate shopping, Stephen King was my shopping knight in shining armor. Apparently I only love cooking for others, who knew? My boys fixed my frozen pipes last Monday and said they were afraid they were eating my last meal with their tomato soup and quesidilla lunch. It just doesn't feel important to eat. Yet strangely I manage to remain an overweight status. My metabolism is akin to a whales, I am convinced.
It is 3:00 am, I must get into bed. Take care and talk to me. Love
Saturday, December 7, 2013
I am living in a WinterWonderland this morning! We have about 9 inches of beautiful snow. The sun is lighting up every sparkly surface, the tree limbs, the rooftops and the vehicles are all coated in velvet frosting. My little house is warm and quiet and my coffee is hot. I think I am happy.
Christmas decorations need to be taken from storage boxes, a tree needs to be put up and dressed in bright lights, my wooden Santa needs to be hung on the front porch, but that can wait. I'm going to sit in Stephen King's chair and look out at all this glorious wonder for awhile. God has blessed me with all of this today and I want to appreciate it, to thank him for it and to bask in its beauty.
My shopping is complete, all done by surfing the World Wide Web. It is not the most exciting approach to gift buying, but for me it is a grand fit. There is anything a person could ask for out there, soup to nuts, A to Z, including the kitchen sink! My little boys have figured out how to go to Amazon, shop for their hearts' desire, and place it in Gma's cart. Never clicking on BUY, of course. They are so thoughtful. ;-) I love giving, always have. Christmas has always been a special time for me. The idea of a newborn in a manger, and people from all over bringing Him gifts has inspired me since childhood. I've alway wanted everyone to get just that perfect gift. I was grown before I realized that Baby in the manger was the perfect gift for us all. But still, I think all year about what special thing would please my kids and grands. Steve always fretted about my spending, but then was pleased that they were thrilled with the presents. Christmas will be so different this time. No Mr. Scrooge huffing as the UPS truck pulls into our drive, the wrapped gifts pile up under the tree and the kitchen becomes a maze of candy and cookies platters. We will miss him sitting back watching all the chaos of unwrapping, squeals of delight, and Gavin's traditional "best gift ever", a look of satisfaction on his face. But we will do it anyway because we must go on as if he were still here with us. And I think that he will be.
I've a new activity in my week, I've started delivering meals to the needy in French Lick. They are fresh cooked by the volunteers at The Mercy Center in Paoli. I get to give back a bit to this community that supported my school for so long and I enjoy it. Most of the folks are seniors but a few are younger families that just need a hand. Friday is my delivery day and I have between 60 and 70 meals to get to houses and apartments all over town. If you've never been to French Lick, it is a town built on hills, steep hills, narrow streets cross-crossing each other. My route takes about two hours, but the food is packed in cartons and kept in insulated bags so it's still warm upon delivery. Most folks meet me at the door with a smile, happy for the meal and a bit of company. It is a blessing to be allowed to serve them. I thought I wanted to be on the preparing end of things, cooking big batches, but I truly love delivering. The Mercy Center is a wonderful thing in our county, serving 2500 meals to shut ins and on site drop ins. There is hope to provide an emergency shelter in the future. Even little, rural Orange County has homeless nowadays. My particular concern is with teens who for whatever reason have no place to live. So many are sleeping at friends homes or on couches in places that are not safe for them. I pray daily for an answer for this.
My days are quiet for the most part now. I spend the weekend with Mom, then generally stay in the rest of the week. I seldom have the TV on but listen to music on my iPad or laptop. Talking seems to annoy me especially the voices on TV. I read continually, probably too much. I clean a bit around the house, walk Hank once a day, eat hummus or peanut butter and sleep. Once a week I go to the gym and workout with Devin. It is helping but my muscles don't respond like they did before Lupus, weakness strikes a lot. But I feel better, exercise is good for the brain. I'm not at the "runner's high" level but it does lift my mood afterwards. Sadness seems to be my constant companion and I guess that is ok, sadness isn't depression. Grief is different than anything I've known before. And grieving for Steve is different from the grief I've felt with my dad and grandparents and aunts passing. This is as if I've grown a second skin, covering me with sadness. I doubt it will ever leave. But it isn't malignant like depression, just a new dimension to my life.
I'm making pillows for the girls so I best get at it. I find it difficult to concentrate at the sewing machine but push myself to do something productive.
Take good care and talk to me. Love
Christmas decorations need to be taken from storage boxes, a tree needs to be put up and dressed in bright lights, my wooden Santa needs to be hung on the front porch, but that can wait. I'm going to sit in Stephen King's chair and look out at all this glorious wonder for awhile. God has blessed me with all of this today and I want to appreciate it, to thank him for it and to bask in its beauty.
My shopping is complete, all done by surfing the World Wide Web. It is not the most exciting approach to gift buying, but for me it is a grand fit. There is anything a person could ask for out there, soup to nuts, A to Z, including the kitchen sink! My little boys have figured out how to go to Amazon, shop for their hearts' desire, and place it in Gma's cart. Never clicking on BUY, of course. They are so thoughtful. ;-) I love giving, always have. Christmas has always been a special time for me. The idea of a newborn in a manger, and people from all over bringing Him gifts has inspired me since childhood. I've alway wanted everyone to get just that perfect gift. I was grown before I realized that Baby in the manger was the perfect gift for us all. But still, I think all year about what special thing would please my kids and grands. Steve always fretted about my spending, but then was pleased that they were thrilled with the presents. Christmas will be so different this time. No Mr. Scrooge huffing as the UPS truck pulls into our drive, the wrapped gifts pile up under the tree and the kitchen becomes a maze of candy and cookies platters. We will miss him sitting back watching all the chaos of unwrapping, squeals of delight, and Gavin's traditional "best gift ever", a look of satisfaction on his face. But we will do it anyway because we must go on as if he were still here with us. And I think that he will be.
I've a new activity in my week, I've started delivering meals to the needy in French Lick. They are fresh cooked by the volunteers at The Mercy Center in Paoli. I get to give back a bit to this community that supported my school for so long and I enjoy it. Most of the folks are seniors but a few are younger families that just need a hand. Friday is my delivery day and I have between 60 and 70 meals to get to houses and apartments all over town. If you've never been to French Lick, it is a town built on hills, steep hills, narrow streets cross-crossing each other. My route takes about two hours, but the food is packed in cartons and kept in insulated bags so it's still warm upon delivery. Most folks meet me at the door with a smile, happy for the meal and a bit of company. It is a blessing to be allowed to serve them. I thought I wanted to be on the preparing end of things, cooking big batches, but I truly love delivering. The Mercy Center is a wonderful thing in our county, serving 2500 meals to shut ins and on site drop ins. There is hope to provide an emergency shelter in the future. Even little, rural Orange County has homeless nowadays. My particular concern is with teens who for whatever reason have no place to live. So many are sleeping at friends homes or on couches in places that are not safe for them. I pray daily for an answer for this.
My days are quiet for the most part now. I spend the weekend with Mom, then generally stay in the rest of the week. I seldom have the TV on but listen to music on my iPad or laptop. Talking seems to annoy me especially the voices on TV. I read continually, probably too much. I clean a bit around the house, walk Hank once a day, eat hummus or peanut butter and sleep. Once a week I go to the gym and workout with Devin. It is helping but my muscles don't respond like they did before Lupus, weakness strikes a lot. But I feel better, exercise is good for the brain. I'm not at the "runner's high" level but it does lift my mood afterwards. Sadness seems to be my constant companion and I guess that is ok, sadness isn't depression. Grief is different than anything I've known before. And grieving for Steve is different from the grief I've felt with my dad and grandparents and aunts passing. This is as if I've grown a second skin, covering me with sadness. I doubt it will ever leave. But it isn't malignant like depression, just a new dimension to my life.
I'm making pillows for the girls so I best get at it. I find it difficult to concentrate at the sewing machine but push myself to do something productive.
Take good care and talk to me. Love
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Happy Birthday
Stephen King would have been 68 today, imagine that! He dreaded turning 70, I suppose he won't have to worry about that now. I know it gets said too often, but really, where did those years go? Were we not paying attention? I have full memories of each year, yet it seems impossible that so many have passed by. How did two kids come to this? I'm not lamenting them, we loved them as we lived them (mostly), just amazed that it is over. Oh, I know life isn't over (don't panic), but that life is over. A new one begins.
Trent will be 44 tomorrow, another hard to believe fact! Soon all of our kids will be in their forties. Geez Louise. This baby who didn't want to separate from his mom is a wonderful father. He was two weeks late, a big 9 pounds and had to be yanked, screaming from his safe place at birth. Shy, painfully shy, he held my hand for years trying to find his place. He found it in Nina and her kids. They saw a man in him, where others saw a boy. That saved him. He and Nina have a lovely life they enjoy so much. Full of kids and fun, working side by side with each other. They really live their lives, each week is an adventure. Gavin is his mini-me, intelligent and always seeking. I am so proud of him and love them all so much. Happy Birthday, our beautiful boy.
As always my issue lately has been my mind. I cannot shut it off, sleep is pushed aside by thoughts of the past, by thoughts of the future and by fear of the present. Of course, I'm reading everything I find (I always have) but just this morning I found a quote that stopped me in my tracks; it fit me to a tee. Caroline Myss is a wonderful writer of spiritual study. Not only Godly, but soulful. I started reading her work when our dad died nearly fifteen years ago and revisited her this fall. Today I found what I was seeking, "the soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is the mind". Exactly. My soul is at peace, I know Steve is with God, my mind is the problem. What ifs, guilt, remorse, should haves, if only, what now, plague my thoughts. I am sure this is a typical reaction to loss, but it feels as if it is mine alone. I must work on distracting my mind.
I'm beginning on a new start to a new life by hiring a personal trainer. Most of you know of my health issues and my avoidance of exercise issues, well I'm trying to overcome them. Last week I met with a young cousin of mine who is a personal trainer, massage therapist and student in physical therapy (just what I need) and we are meeting weekly plus he gave me an agenda to work on which includes exercises, biking and water therapy. Our third session is in 90 minutes and here I sit sipping coffee and writing. Maybe my mind isn't totally into this yet! But I won't give up so easily. I have no excuse for not taking care of myself and giving my kids a better mom and grandma. I've promised Gav a walk around the farm and Cabe a long beach walk. The boys have never known a strong healthy Gma, like the girls and Joe had. I want to enjoy them as I did the older ones and my kids. Walking, camping, playing ball were all things I loved back then, I want that back. Day by day, bit by bit, bird by bird, I will make it. Just takes time and getting my mind to slow down and shut up. I may need counseling, Ladies, any volunteers? Stay strong. Talk to me. Love, Hedy
Trent will be 44 tomorrow, another hard to believe fact! Soon all of our kids will be in their forties. Geez Louise. This baby who didn't want to separate from his mom is a wonderful father. He was two weeks late, a big 9 pounds and had to be yanked, screaming from his safe place at birth. Shy, painfully shy, he held my hand for years trying to find his place. He found it in Nina and her kids. They saw a man in him, where others saw a boy. That saved him. He and Nina have a lovely life they enjoy so much. Full of kids and fun, working side by side with each other. They really live their lives, each week is an adventure. Gavin is his mini-me, intelligent and always seeking. I am so proud of him and love them all so much. Happy Birthday, our beautiful boy.
As always my issue lately has been my mind. I cannot shut it off, sleep is pushed aside by thoughts of the past, by thoughts of the future and by fear of the present. Of course, I'm reading everything I find (I always have) but just this morning I found a quote that stopped me in my tracks; it fit me to a tee. Caroline Myss is a wonderful writer of spiritual study. Not only Godly, but soulful. I started reading her work when our dad died nearly fifteen years ago and revisited her this fall. Today I found what I was seeking, "the soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is the mind". Exactly. My soul is at peace, I know Steve is with God, my mind is the problem. What ifs, guilt, remorse, should haves, if only, what now, plague my thoughts. I am sure this is a typical reaction to loss, but it feels as if it is mine alone. I must work on distracting my mind.
I'm beginning on a new start to a new life by hiring a personal trainer. Most of you know of my health issues and my avoidance of exercise issues, well I'm trying to overcome them. Last week I met with a young cousin of mine who is a personal trainer, massage therapist and student in physical therapy (just what I need) and we are meeting weekly plus he gave me an agenda to work on which includes exercises, biking and water therapy. Our third session is in 90 minutes and here I sit sipping coffee and writing. Maybe my mind isn't totally into this yet! But I won't give up so easily. I have no excuse for not taking care of myself and giving my kids a better mom and grandma. I've promised Gav a walk around the farm and Cabe a long beach walk. The boys have never known a strong healthy Gma, like the girls and Joe had. I want to enjoy them as I did the older ones and my kids. Walking, camping, playing ball were all things I loved back then, I want that back. Day by day, bit by bit, bird by bird, I will make it. Just takes time and getting my mind to slow down and shut up. I may need counseling, Ladies, any volunteers? Stay strong. Talk to me. Love, Hedy
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Two months and Counting
Hello,
Stephen King has been gone for two months now. I cannot decide if these have been the longest two months of my life or the shortest. I'm afraid I am not truly aware of time passing, all days seem the same, week upon week. I am not accomplishing much around here, keeping Hank untangled from the deck posts, the boat trailer and the car tires takes up a lot of time. Actually moving his hitch seems way too complicated, so we play this game 14 times a day. Keeps both of us from being lonely, I suppose.
After much coaxing from my sister, I have started sewing abit. A few pillows, some blocks added to a quilt top. I get distracted easily though or bored with the project. I still need silence and I am happiest when home alone. Our kids are in and out and I love that, too. I have joined a Bible Study group with some neighborhood ladies that meets twice a month. It is a great balm to my spirit. I haven't studied The Word so intensely for years and enjoy digging deeper into it. We have great discussions that answer so many questions for me. Each of us has our own burden and sharing lifts them for awhile. We are a mixed group and I think that adds to the benefits, always another view to consider and learn from.
I have been staying with Mom once again, I missed her and didn't realize it. We share another bond in being widows, she says. A club no one wants to join. She continues to have good days and bad. The pain from arthritis increases on these rainy, fall days. She is still aware of family and friends but forgets what occurred five minutes ago. She sits on her nest on the couch for too many hours each day, not interested in moving around or leaving the house. Ice cream is her biggest thrill and she would eat only that if allowed. We have to check with each other when changing shifts, to not overdose her with vanilla cones! Alzheimer's is a terrible thing. Watching a loved one disappear hurts so much.
I don't watch much TV, but have really been reading a lot, especially blogs on the internet. Some are harmless fluff about decorating or quilting, but a few a written by wonderful writers who entertain, inform and give me support. I chat with a lovely, strong lung cancer survivor from Boston and a recent widow from Pennsylvania who feel like family. Linnea and Kate, you will never know how much I look forward to a new post from you. Cancer isn't choosy, it takes from anywhere, any family without discrimination. Connecting online gives us a bigger picture, I believe, it lightens the load to know you are not alone. Of course, it also opens one up for more pain, knowing these sweet people are suffering also. But making that connection is worth the pain for me.
Being a widow seems so foreign to me. I've been Steve's wife for 46 years, since is was just 17 years old. I really don't know how not to be. I have other titles; daughter, mother, sister, grandmother, friend, counselor, but my identity was Steve's wife. He often joked that people only knew him as Hedy's husband. We tend to be identified with our mates after so many years. I feel abit like I am in a government witness protection program, who am I? This feeling is surprising to me, I always considered myself a very independent woman. I prided myself in being strong and smart, able to survive anything. The joke is on me, I'm afraid, maybe I was just strong with him beside me?
My life is certainly not all sadness, please, don't think that. I'm just gloomy today, to match the cool rainy weather. I am going to travel to OZ in the Spring to visit with Courtney and Ken for three months, I cannot believe it yet! Ken's Aunt Edna is my cousin by marriage and she is going along with me, as is her daughter-in-law, Kathy. They will be staying with family while I shall be at Court's new home with her. This is a trip Stephen King and I hoped for long before our daughter moved there. Who doesn't want to see the land down under?
Enough for now, Sweet Ladies. Talk to me. Take care. Hedy
Stephen King has been gone for two months now. I cannot decide if these have been the longest two months of my life or the shortest. I'm afraid I am not truly aware of time passing, all days seem the same, week upon week. I am not accomplishing much around here, keeping Hank untangled from the deck posts, the boat trailer and the car tires takes up a lot of time. Actually moving his hitch seems way too complicated, so we play this game 14 times a day. Keeps both of us from being lonely, I suppose.
After much coaxing from my sister, I have started sewing abit. A few pillows, some blocks added to a quilt top. I get distracted easily though or bored with the project. I still need silence and I am happiest when home alone. Our kids are in and out and I love that, too. I have joined a Bible Study group with some neighborhood ladies that meets twice a month. It is a great balm to my spirit. I haven't studied The Word so intensely for years and enjoy digging deeper into it. We have great discussions that answer so many questions for me. Each of us has our own burden and sharing lifts them for awhile. We are a mixed group and I think that adds to the benefits, always another view to consider and learn from.
I have been staying with Mom once again, I missed her and didn't realize it. We share another bond in being widows, she says. A club no one wants to join. She continues to have good days and bad. The pain from arthritis increases on these rainy, fall days. She is still aware of family and friends but forgets what occurred five minutes ago. She sits on her nest on the couch for too many hours each day, not interested in moving around or leaving the house. Ice cream is her biggest thrill and she would eat only that if allowed. We have to check with each other when changing shifts, to not overdose her with vanilla cones! Alzheimer's is a terrible thing. Watching a loved one disappear hurts so much.
I don't watch much TV, but have really been reading a lot, especially blogs on the internet. Some are harmless fluff about decorating or quilting, but a few a written by wonderful writers who entertain, inform and give me support. I chat with a lovely, strong lung cancer survivor from Boston and a recent widow from Pennsylvania who feel like family. Linnea and Kate, you will never know how much I look forward to a new post from you. Cancer isn't choosy, it takes from anywhere, any family without discrimination. Connecting online gives us a bigger picture, I believe, it lightens the load to know you are not alone. Of course, it also opens one up for more pain, knowing these sweet people are suffering also. But making that connection is worth the pain for me.
Being a widow seems so foreign to me. I've been Steve's wife for 46 years, since is was just 17 years old. I really don't know how not to be. I have other titles; daughter, mother, sister, grandmother, friend, counselor, but my identity was Steve's wife. He often joked that people only knew him as Hedy's husband. We tend to be identified with our mates after so many years. I feel abit like I am in a government witness protection program, who am I? This feeling is surprising to me, I always considered myself a very independent woman. I prided myself in being strong and smart, able to survive anything. The joke is on me, I'm afraid, maybe I was just strong with him beside me?
My life is certainly not all sadness, please, don't think that. I'm just gloomy today, to match the cool rainy weather. I am going to travel to OZ in the Spring to visit with Courtney and Ken for three months, I cannot believe it yet! Ken's Aunt Edna is my cousin by marriage and she is going along with me, as is her daughter-in-law, Kathy. They will be staying with family while I shall be at Court's new home with her. This is a trip Stephen King and I hoped for long before our daughter moved there. Who doesn't want to see the land down under?
Enough for now, Sweet Ladies. Talk to me. Take care. Hedy
Saturday, September 21, 2013
My Blessings
Last weekend we had another Gagglefest in The Valley. The ladies came south to comfort me. My daughter flew home to Oz and for the first time in my 64 years I will be living alone. The numbness is still there, I'm still not thinking or talking much about the reality of Steve's death. That is working for me now and might for a bit longer. I will deal with this when I know I can.
In the meantime, I think a lot about my relationships with others. And for the last two days, about my relationship with these seven other woman I call The Gaggle. We are not a typical group of friends. We came together in grad school at ISU. I at 50+ was the oldest, most were in their early twenties and thirties. From the cohort of around twenty, we formed a small group of middle-class, Midwest women. At first glance we knew we would be forever friends, I believe. However, it still surprises me that these bright, young women allow me a place in their lives. I feel blessed by each of them. I've concluded the best thing about our relationship is the equality. We met each other as equals, all degreed women seeking a Masters in education, so we could counsel students. There were no expectations of anyone, no neediness, no entitlement. We have shared many wedding, births and now death. And so it continues...these ladies are my friends, pure and simple. We all support the others no matter what, we enjoy each other's company, and admire and respect each other. We are blessed.
Last evening I met with another group of friends, all local ladies I had worked with at school. We, too, are a mixed group of ages and again I am the oldest. This seems to be a theme in my life. We all work or worked in education, are all from the area and are at various stages in our family life. We have much in common, we even vacation together occasionally. We all love the Coast and the beach life. In this group we share openly, our feelings, our joys and our fears. After years of being good friends with these ladies, last night was different. Last night we opened our hearts to each other in honesty and love. We shared pain, not just mine, with a trust that was beautiful. We are blessed.
I am not only blessed by friends, I have the greatest family, too! My sister, her husband and a wonderful friend of theirs have come into our home and remodeled our kitchen and bath in the last few months. They show up, work their tails off, clean up the mess and leave. No hassle, no fuss, just do it. Amazing, I tell you, amazing. And their work is beautiful. Stephen King and I had a difficult time accepting this at first. We could have done the work years ago, but were always too busy or too tired, then it was too late for him to do it. Cancer struck. It struck our family and friends as well. They wanted to help make things better, easier for us somehow. My brother-in-law decided they could remodel our tired 70s kitchen and our dangerously ugly bath. My sister sat us down one afternoon after Steve had chemo and explained their plan to us. She told us they needed to do something and hoped we would agree. She asked that we not deny them this blessing. We argued, it was too much to accept, too much to offer. She argued, they would be blessed by doing it. We couldn't argue that. I love my new kitchen and bath. Stephen King would have, too. We are blessed.
In the meantime, I think a lot about my relationships with others. And for the last two days, about my relationship with these seven other woman I call The Gaggle. We are not a typical group of friends. We came together in grad school at ISU. I at 50+ was the oldest, most were in their early twenties and thirties. From the cohort of around twenty, we formed a small group of middle-class, Midwest women. At first glance we knew we would be forever friends, I believe. However, it still surprises me that these bright, young women allow me a place in their lives. I feel blessed by each of them. I've concluded the best thing about our relationship is the equality. We met each other as equals, all degreed women seeking a Masters in education, so we could counsel students. There were no expectations of anyone, no neediness, no entitlement. We have shared many wedding, births and now death. And so it continues...these ladies are my friends, pure and simple. We all support the others no matter what, we enjoy each other's company, and admire and respect each other. We are blessed.
Last evening I met with another group of friends, all local ladies I had worked with at school. We, too, are a mixed group of ages and again I am the oldest. This seems to be a theme in my life. We all work or worked in education, are all from the area and are at various stages in our family life. We have much in common, we even vacation together occasionally. We all love the Coast and the beach life. In this group we share openly, our feelings, our joys and our fears. After years of being good friends with these ladies, last night was different. Last night we opened our hearts to each other in honesty and love. We shared pain, not just mine, with a trust that was beautiful. We are blessed.
I am not only blessed by friends, I have the greatest family, too! My sister, her husband and a wonderful friend of theirs have come into our home and remodeled our kitchen and bath in the last few months. They show up, work their tails off, clean up the mess and leave. No hassle, no fuss, just do it. Amazing, I tell you, amazing. And their work is beautiful. Stephen King and I had a difficult time accepting this at first. We could have done the work years ago, but were always too busy or too tired, then it was too late for him to do it. Cancer struck. It struck our family and friends as well. They wanted to help make things better, easier for us somehow. My brother-in-law decided they could remodel our tired 70s kitchen and our dangerously ugly bath. My sister sat us down one afternoon after Steve had chemo and explained their plan to us. She told us they needed to do something and hoped we would agree. She asked that we not deny them this blessing. We argued, it was too much to accept, too much to offer. She argued, they would be blessed by doing it. We couldn't argue that. I love my new kitchen and bath. Stephen King would have, too. We are blessed.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Stephen King
Hello all, most of you know we lost Steve on Aug. 14 after a rare syndrome connected with the lung cancer struck him. It is called ParaNeoPlasticSyndrome and occurs in only 1% of lung cancer patients. Just his luck, he said. But it was quick, less than a month after symptoms started. He was aware until the end and was surrounded by those who loved him. We turned the parlor into a bright and sunny bedroom for him and he was comfortable, for the most part, watching the butterflies mass at the bushes outside his windows, checking traffic up and down the hill and coaching the grandsons in their daily Nerf battles. Steve's sisters, Deb, Carol and our kids took turns staying at his bedside at night, as keeping him in bed was a challenge. He fought to get up and go into the bathroom multiple times each night, just to show us he could. Iron willed to the end. I wouldn't has expected anything less. We gathered here each evening for another meal and time together, I think it was a good death, allowing Steve and the rest of us time for sharing good-byes.
We followed his wishes for cremation, with his ashes spread over the family farm, as were his parents. The kids, Grandkids and I are traveling to his beloved Cumberland Gap next month to spread ashes from his powder horn there. He would have loved that. The Gap and its history fascinated Steve, I believe he'd loved to been a part of that time. We all love family road trips and this will be a bittersweet one for us.
Courtney got home a few days before her dad passed, we were so blessed by that. She is staying till Sept 14, helping me adjust to this new life. I may visit her and Ken in the Spring, as Steve and I talked of doing. He was curious to see that beautiful place, but I will see it for him and share in our daughter's new home. We wanted to help them with their gardens and chicken house, as they are not old hands at country life. Court lived it as a child, but as the youngest missed out on most of the real workings of it. Even in their city apartment she had a lovely flower bed and hanging garden though, and Ken has grass sown and beds dug at the new house.
Stephen and Trent have kept up our mowing and trimming all summer to their dad's standards, I'm telling them I can take over but they won't listen. I will make acquaintance with the new mower soon though, as I haven't mowed since Steve retired. Nina and the boys have saved Steve's garden bounty, too. Picking, canning, freezing and giving away most of what he produced. I'm betting next year's garden will pale to this one, I haven't the stamina or green thumb my Stephen King did.
Our kids and grands have been so strong through this, always supporting the others in their pain. I'm blessed with such a close, loving family. They each know he loved them and was proud of who they are. Steve's sisters and my family have been beside us constantly, too, doing whatever they could for him and me. We've been a family for nearly 50 years, King or Charles, it makes no difference, we love each other the same.
I know that I'm going through the motions of living right now, on cruise control, Steve would say. But each day it gets more real and more difficult. I get quiet, trying to feel him around me, trying to come to grips with reality. I know I will be ok, life will be different but ok. I know we will be together again some day.
It has been so long since I've posted, this may not be read, but I needed to write it. Talk to me. Love.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Time Flies, Are We Having Fun Yet?
Hello, what a long, dreary winter we are struggling through. Or maybe winter is always this way and I've just not had time to notice. The funny thing is this winter has flown by really, it is the minutes which feel long. I'm finding the days speed by in incredible flashes. I seem to be constantly getting out of bed to another day. Kinda like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day without the humor. Not much has been accomplished here, we just keep staying alive till Spring. Keeping a low profile, so we can bloom big when it warms up. ;-) .
Stephen King is back on chemo. His PetScan showed marked shrinkage in lung lesion and healing going on in the bones! He had a separate CatScan on his brain which revealed no lesions. We were so blessed by these findings, his lung cancer had never shown shrinkage before. He has fewer side effects with this round, a rash on chest and shoulders and the fatigue. Always the fatigue, he tires with any effort, walking, dressing, showering. It is frustrating for an active guy to be stopped by something out of his control.
Our mom has been ill since the first of the year, flu, pneumonia, anemia and much more confusion. I cannot describe the pain of watching a parent slip away. Jill, I know you understand what I am trying to say. Mom is still here but not really, her little body houses a sweet little old soul that isn't Mom. One night last week, I slept with her and she held my hand whimpering all night long. I felt so helpless. Nothing I could do to help ease her pain and fear but hold on. But I knew I needed to be there holding on to her hand just as she has always been there holding mine throughout my life. I was so humbled to do this for her. Caring for her is almost a religious experience, I swear. Rubbing lotion into her feet each day feels like serving God. This is so emotional for all of those who are her caregivers; sons, daughters, daughters-in-law and sisters. Our family has been strengthened by this.
Stephen King and I are doing a mini makeover on the kitchen. The 70s decor and 80s appliances are leaving. I'm so excited to have a gas range again, love cooking on gas. And this one has 5 burners! Steve thinks that is 4 to many, based on my cooking lately. Truth is I haven't felt like Julia Child for awhile. Looking forward to being more creative. New side by side fridge too, with water and ice on the door. Our fridge was new the year our oldest graduated from high school 1985! It was time to put it out to pasture. Covering the marred gold vinyl floor with hickory hardwood too. The vinyl is worn off in the high traffic areas and the tacky black backing actually shows. I think it's time has come. Next up... Countertops, but Stephen King's heart and pocketbook have to recover for that. Poor guy thinks if its still works, keep it. This kitchen didn't work for me 12 years ago when we moved in and now I am completely over it. I'm thinking this is our last house, last kitchen, last major appliances so I think we need good solid ones. I still go with white, not stainless, simple basic add ons, no bells and whistles but do want a timer on the range and ice maker on the fridge. Actually this fridge, the 25 year old one, has an ice maker that has Never been hooked up. Heehee, I've hired a real plumber this time to connect the LP line and the water line. I will officially be in the 21st century with the rest of you now.
I'm sewing some lately, putting trim on a collage pillow I've made for my sister, finishing 2 quilts within the month for babies who have become toddlers waiting for me, and starting a wild quilt with Denyse Schmidt fabric for Mack and Maddie's bedroom. They are going from pinks to green and black to perk up their new wicker dressers. Mack will be out and gone soon, but at 13 Maddie needs a more grown up look too.
Our Shay had a very bad case of mono this winter and is just getting back on her feet. The little boys are great, been enjoying some winter camping with their dads and having good years in 2nd and 3rd grade. Joe is looking to be released in August, hoping for a halfway house to avoid being back around his old friends. My daily prayers are for strength for him, he has taken part in an amazing program in prison and has high hopes of helping others overcome their demons. We all are looking forward to Spring, warm days and outside time.
Stay well and stand strong. Talk to me. Love, Hedy
Stephen King is back on chemo. His PetScan showed marked shrinkage in lung lesion and healing going on in the bones! He had a separate CatScan on his brain which revealed no lesions. We were so blessed by these findings, his lung cancer had never shown shrinkage before. He has fewer side effects with this round, a rash on chest and shoulders and the fatigue. Always the fatigue, he tires with any effort, walking, dressing, showering. It is frustrating for an active guy to be stopped by something out of his control.
Our mom has been ill since the first of the year, flu, pneumonia, anemia and much more confusion. I cannot describe the pain of watching a parent slip away. Jill, I know you understand what I am trying to say. Mom is still here but not really, her little body houses a sweet little old soul that isn't Mom. One night last week, I slept with her and she held my hand whimpering all night long. I felt so helpless. Nothing I could do to help ease her pain and fear but hold on. But I knew I needed to be there holding on to her hand just as she has always been there holding mine throughout my life. I was so humbled to do this for her. Caring for her is almost a religious experience, I swear. Rubbing lotion into her feet each day feels like serving God. This is so emotional for all of those who are her caregivers; sons, daughters, daughters-in-law and sisters. Our family has been strengthened by this.
Stephen King and I are doing a mini makeover on the kitchen. The 70s decor and 80s appliances are leaving. I'm so excited to have a gas range again, love cooking on gas. And this one has 5 burners! Steve thinks that is 4 to many, based on my cooking lately. Truth is I haven't felt like Julia Child for awhile. Looking forward to being more creative. New side by side fridge too, with water and ice on the door. Our fridge was new the year our oldest graduated from high school 1985! It was time to put it out to pasture. Covering the marred gold vinyl floor with hickory hardwood too. The vinyl is worn off in the high traffic areas and the tacky black backing actually shows. I think it's time has come. Next up... Countertops, but Stephen King's heart and pocketbook have to recover for that. Poor guy thinks if its still works, keep it. This kitchen didn't work for me 12 years ago when we moved in and now I am completely over it. I'm thinking this is our last house, last kitchen, last major appliances so I think we need good solid ones. I still go with white, not stainless, simple basic add ons, no bells and whistles but do want a timer on the range and ice maker on the fridge. Actually this fridge, the 25 year old one, has an ice maker that has Never been hooked up. Heehee, I've hired a real plumber this time to connect the LP line and the water line. I will officially be in the 21st century with the rest of you now.
I'm sewing some lately, putting trim on a collage pillow I've made for my sister, finishing 2 quilts within the month for babies who have become toddlers waiting for me, and starting a wild quilt with Denyse Schmidt fabric for Mack and Maddie's bedroom. They are going from pinks to green and black to perk up their new wicker dressers. Mack will be out and gone soon, but at 13 Maddie needs a more grown up look too.
Our Shay had a very bad case of mono this winter and is just getting back on her feet. The little boys are great, been enjoying some winter camping with their dads and having good years in 2nd and 3rd grade. Joe is looking to be released in August, hoping for a halfway house to avoid being back around his old friends. My daily prayers are for strength for him, he has taken part in an amazing program in prison and has high hopes of helping others overcome their demons. We all are looking forward to Spring, warm days and outside time.
Stay well and stand strong. Talk to me. Love, Hedy
Monday, January 7, 2013
Resolutions, goals, hopes, wishes, prayers
Happy New Year 2013
Really? 2013? I don't think I ever thought about the possibility of 2013. 2000 maybe, 2020 probably, but 2013 never. Yet how I welcome this year, so happy to be shed of 2012. Although 2012 ended with plenty of blessings, it was chock-full of drama. I won't belabor that point, just glad it is in the past.
I seldom formally announce Resolutions as a new year begins, although they are always the same; peace, health and weight loss. However this year I think I will. Please bear with me. :-)
* world peace, for real
* end of world hunger
* common sense in DC
* kinder, more gentle treatments for cancer
* wipeout Alzheimers disease
* good manners
* good health
* weight loss
* renewed faith
Those will work for me. Nine simple prayers for the world, my family, myself.
We are holding our own in The Valley, treatments,setbacks, or snow, we continue to hold on. Poor Shay is in and out of the hospital this week with mono, a very sick girl. Because of our fear of spreading it to Stephen King, I haven't gone to sit beside her bed this time. It has been difficult for Gma Hedy to stay away. Not fair to have to chose between husband and grandchildren. :-(
I wish you all a wonderful, peaceful, healthy year. Are we sure it's 2013...really? Love, Hedy
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