Thursday, August 13, 2015

A new start?

Hello All,
March has passed by and April is speeding along, too and still I can't find time to post on here. I was much more organized when I was working. Last month was good for me, I've recovered nicely from the surgery on my knee and am pain free! Right knee replacement in the late summer. I'll be like a 40 year old by fall! 
Courtney came home for her 40th Bday and joined Mackenzie, my friend Connie and me for a week in Gulf Shores over Spring Break. We are off again next Friday for 10 days in Cape San Blas with my sister and aunt. The ocean has always been a tonic for me, but I didn't get the usual peace this time. I've not found a good course for my life yet, I think. I'm hoping if I keep looking it will come. As crazy as it sounds coming from a pragmatic soul such as I, I keep waiting to feel Stephen King around me again. 

I wrote the above in April and didn't post it for some reason.

I'm posting today because until this week, I have still been waiting for Steve. I thought I'd accepted his death and was dealing with my loss as good as I could. But this week I have realized that isn't true. Deep inside I've never accepted it and I've been waiting for him. I have moved past denial and am grieving in a different way now...acceptance. It's rather like ripping the bandage off all over again, raw wounds, tears, memories of fifty shared years. But it is good. 
I finally cleared out his closets and donated his clothing to St. Vincents. I kept a few favorites to use in a quilt, if I can ever cut them up. Nina took of of his shirts to make a pillow for Shayla, of all the grandchildren, she needs something physical to hold on to that was Papaw's. The granddaughters went along to deliver the carful of boxes and I don't think I could have done it without them. Actually handing over clothing I'd seen him wear forever was painful. But Stephen King had always been one to shop and give back to recycling stores and I knew he would approve. 
I've cleaned and rearranged the two double closets that were his to hold some special clothes the boys wanted to keep ( his reenactment costumes and such), the winter clothing that Courtney keeps here for her winter visits and my seasonal clothing. The closet I use in the master is a single closet and holds only a season's worth of clothes. I'm reprinting and rearranging this room soon. It has always been more of a catch all for us than a bedroom and I'd like to see it as a room Courtney and the grandkids and other guests can use. That is my winter project this year. 
Our bed and the case goods that match it have been around for a long time, my grandmother gave it to my parents when they purchased their first two bedroom house. I slept on it with my sister growing up, then my mom gave it to my other grandmother. When grandma went to an apartment for seniors, I got the whole set back and have used it for 15 years as our bed. I think I'm tired of it. I've decided to store it and get myself a new bed, I need a new mattress anyway. I don't care for matching sets and can piece together storage for my things. As with the back bedroom, this one 
will get new paint. In fact, I'm ready to paint the rest of the rooms white. The taupe has served its time and I think a nice soft white will lighten my mood. A fall project, I think. 
As much as I'm content to sit and read and think for most of my day, I know that isn't what is good for me. I need a schedule, a routine that forces me to move, get out and shake up my live. I'm attempting it more and more. These projects will help. With my lupus I can't have strict demands on my body and need to rest more than most, but a routine will allow for those days, too. Just so all my days aren't resting (hiding) days. 
Tomorrow marks two years since he left us, we have more before we see him again. I need to live those years however many they may be. I plan too.  Talk to me! Love