Monday, December 15, 2014


      We lost our mom Nov. 30 after a five year journey with Alzheimer's Disease. My girls, I pray your families are never exposed to this horrific disease. It steals lives slowly, gradually taking away loved ones and leaving empty bodies in their place. And the most terrifying thing is they know they are being taken and cannot stop going. Blessedly, for us, Mom rallied after suffering strokes on that last Tuesday. Her speech was effected for a few hours, but during the night she called out to someone...someone who wasn't there. When she did open her eyes, she appeared to know us and know what was happening to her. She thanked us for staying at home with her and taking care of her. "I have good kids", she repeated often. It had been decided much earlier that no extreme measures would be taken should she have such a stroke, she never wanted to just take up space on this earth. She was ready to go Home. We all agreed and thought we were ready to let her go, but as it was happening we realized it was not so easy to let go forever. For five days and nights, we sat at her bedside, lay beside her on the big bed she had shared with our Dad. Attending to her basic care, keeping her clean, dry and comfortable. Holding her hand, listening to her speak with that someone only she could see. We all agreed it was Dad or her guardian angel, come to take her home.
Now most of you didn't know my mom, I know, but she was a beautiful, classy lady, sweet and humble, heart as pure as gold. She lived for her family.
All she ever asked of us was to be kept at home, she had a dreadful fear of nursing homes. We did that for her for five years, never leaving her alone. I believe she saw we were coming to the end of our strength to keep it up and chose to go. The one other thing she asked was to be buried in her gown and robe and no eye glasses! She would see others dressed up and lying in their caskets and say, " do they think they are going out after this?" She wanted to meet her maker, warm and cozy, ready to enjoy eternity. Mom looked so peaceful and pretty in her aqua bedclothes. She was always the prettiest girl in the room, Dad said, and she was still the day we laid her to rest.
It has been two weeks and we are slowly marking off items from our To Do list. The big challenge will be the personal items she had acquired in her eighty five years. Add to that, the collections Dad brought into their home and, People, we have a boatload of stuff! We know our parents are looking down and laughing at the trick they've played on us. They are together in Heaven and we four are dealing with STUFF. Just like they always told us it would be. We cannot be sad, knowing that they are together again, they were soul mates for 53 years. And now forever.
We all have kids and grandkids and life continues, not the same but as it should, as it always has been.
I've ordered all my Christmas gifts online, now to wrap them. I miss having babies to buy for, our 10 and 11 year old boys aren't nearly as fun to buy for since they ask for Teepees and Nerf guns. Oh, and a goat! Our girls are all grown up, too, clothing, handbags, electronics, not a BabyDoll on any list. I've made peanut butter cookies, peanut butter fudge, have my sugar cookie dough in the fridge, thinking about some spiced nuts, maybe. And hard cinnamon candy is next week.
I have a baby quilt for my niece cut and ready to sew. Courtney embroidered farm animal block and I cut some baby-like fabrics for the other blocks. I have a sweet alphabet print for the backing. He will be my baby brothers first grand child and we are all thrilled he is almost here. Rob's kids call my sister and I grandma instead of aunt because we are some much older than their dad. I was 18 and Deb 16 when he was born, he is less than a year older than our Stephen. He was with us most of the time growing up. He has always been a blessing to our family, kept Dad and Mom young keeping up with him.
Talk to me, Ladies, I miss you all. God Bless your families this year and keep you safe. Love, Hedy

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Where does time go? It flies thru life like it has something special going on, never slowing down for us to catch up on life. Days can pass without notice, weeks slide by and the month is gone...where? Try as I may, I haven't been able to slow down time. And I have tried so many ways, prayer and mediation help during the time spent in them, but when I return to my daily life it is either time to get up or go to bed. Where does time go?
Being a widow isn't what I expected, at all. Mom was widowed fifteen years ago and now I wish I had asked her what life was like for her without my dad. She forgets now that he is gone and wonders why he isn't home for supper. I wish I had asked her how it felt to make decisions alone after years of having a partner to help decide what to do. I wish I had asked her how she dealt with knowing he would not be taking the TV remote and watching mind numbing reruns again and again. I wish I had asked her how she continued to have a life without him. How she kept celebrating birthdays and holidays and the simple things when he wasn't there by her side. It is too late to ask her for advice now, she is the one asking..." Is Bob gone?"  " Did Steve die?" " Where do I live?" " Who are you?". I did not know it would be all the little things in life that stopped my heart because Stephen King was gone, I thought those big moments would be the difficult things. I was wrong.
These things have been on my mind recently, I don't dwell on them, really, just find myself wondering sometimes. Usually I am fine, coping with this new life. I keep calm and carry on, as Churchill advised the British during WWII. I don't seem to have time to think much or worry, life needs tending to. I take each day as it comes, dealing with challenges as they pop up, just like before. I stay with Mom a few days each week, we talk about the past because that is where she lives now. I help keep her cared for and her home clean, just as if it were still a home. I sleep with her and she holds my hand, I cook her meals and sometimes need to feed her. She tells me she has it made and I smile at that, happy she feels that way. At home I waste time sitting and thinking, about what I don't know. I sit down and two hours later the time is gone. I haven't sewn or read much lately, the creative urge isn't there. I have projects stacked, lists made, but few thinks get accomplished. Limbo is what it may be called, I am in Limbo, waiting for sometime. What? I cannot imagine.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Summer finally arrives

August has been hazy, hot, and humid as it always is in the Ohio Valley, but this year, even more so because the summer has been so mild till now. We were fooled into thinking we would get by August without those HHH days. Fools. Football has started at school, poor boys and a few brave girls, sweating like horses, dropping in the field like flies. Overcome with the heat. Our Caleb is playing on the county fifth grade team, a big surprise, he likes it! Ours has never been a family for organized group sports. Stephen King played his senior year on Paoli High School's first football team, son Stephen played high school basketball and tennis, Courtney and Joe were in marching band for years and years. Gavin is playing soccer this year and Caleb will play 5th grade basketball this winter. But, overall we've never been school athletics groupies. I'm anxious to watch a few games with my boys playing. 
Life back in OC has fallen into its old path, caring for Mom on weekends and Wednesday, staying home the rest of the week. I make excuses not to get out a lot, preferring to be at home. I did go back to the gym for a couple of weeks, but over worked my sick muscles and have to regroup till the inflammation dies down. Lupus is fickle, demanding movement and rest simultaneously. Once a body part is injured, they all join in and swell and scream in pain. I'm better this week, but moving slowly and cautiously, not daring to insult any muscle or joint. The gym will have to wait a bit longer.
Mom continues to decline with not many good days any more. We take her for drives around the county a time or two each week, but getting in and out of the house is challenging. The one step in her house is into the kitchen from the garage and she barely makes it. Each time feels as if we are climbing Everest, she battles to make it up. Stephen is going to fix an iron rail for her to use this week. I know that will give her more security for getting out. Mom still knows everyone when she sees us, but gets confused about who is who in conversation frequently mixing the Grandkids with the wrong parents. Some compare caring for an Alzheimer's patient with childcare, but I don't agree childcare is life giving, learning, teaching, living, Alzheimer's is a deathwatch. Watching as your beloved mother slips away, unable to stop it or make it better, just being there, holding a hand, 
washing a frail body, brushing thin hair, listening to long forgotten stories told over and over. An 
honor to serve, but so painful to experience. I'm so thankful we have a strong, loving family to share this.
I've actually finished a quilt this week and am binding another! I made them for my nephew's kids, Collier is two and her big brother Whitt is four. I don't get to spend much time with them, as they live in Louisville, but they are two special little people. I hand quilted Collier's, something I had second thoughts about as soon as I started. But I really loved the process and even made my own binding. Whitt's has seam tape and is hand tied, not quilted. It is a cowboy print patchwork, so fittingly simple. I'm more of a fabric collector than a quilter, but I think I will finish a crazy quilt I started for Courtney in OZ and quilt one I pieced for Shayla years ago. There's also a beautiful stack of London voile prints that demand a special project. Truthfully, I probably have enough fabric to provide all my kids, Grandkids, nieces and nephews with a quilt or two. But that's a pie in the sky thought, I know myself better than that. 
It has been a year since we lost Steve and life has moved on in many ways, yet I continue to be surprised that he isn't here when I come home. I still listen when I wake for the sound of him making coffee in the kitchen, greeting the cats as he opens the back door to feed them. I drove his little blue truck last week and it felt like a big hug to climb into that little cab, full of his stuff. Straw hat, gloves, sunglasses, notepads, tools and all his plunder, just waiting for him. I often feel as if I, too, am waiting. Waiting for my life to restart, maybe, I don't know. I've never done this before. But I miss him with every breath I take. 
Oh, I almost forgot, I bought myself a bike! Crazy old lady can't even pedal the exercise bike at the gym because the knee won't bend, thinks she is going to bike to town! Well, I know I won't if I don't have a bike!
Talk to me, Ladies. Take care. Hedy

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Busy week.

I know...another post so soon? But I'm just feeling like sharing. Mom and I had a quiet weekend, not much activity, but she did at least sleep all night. I cooked a meal from Trent's garden for us and Mom ate really well. She seldom eats much. I cleaned the garage and porches early Sunday before the awful heat built up. Jeez, Indiana could be the tropics in July! 
Stephen, Shawn and the Yahoos came for Pizza and ice cream Sunday evening. It was good to go home to company. I love the still quiet of my house, but these guys are always a welcome treat. Nothing special just reading the Sunday paper, playing on their electronics and watching some TV, but I loved every minute. Sunday evenings have always been our family time since the kids married and moved out of the house, alway home on Sunday. 
On Tuesday, I had a date with my little boys, lunch and go karts! Gavin and I put out a load of bedding on the clothes line before the others got here. I strung a couple of new lines last week. But I didn't allow for stretching and the sheets were dragging the grass by the time everything was hung. We thought on this problem for a bit, then decide to stick the ladder under the line to prop it up! "Great idea, Grandma", Gavin was so proud of us! I was ticked that I'd gotten cotton line instead of coated wire.  It turned out Madeleine was included, she loves to kart, too. Gavin turned into an Indy driver! What a surprise, he is usually the cautious one. Caleb was quite taken back to be overtaken by his little cousin. A lesson learned there! Size doesn't matter, it is skill. We even went to WalMart, I felt like a traitor, but nowhere else to shop locally. Gav picked out a Nascar game for his xBox, Caleb couldn't find anything he wanted after Gma refused to buy Call of Duty. What are they thinking letting him play those games? Maddie didn't ask for a thing, she knew it was a boys' day. The three girls had theirs last week. And we have school clothes shopping coming soon. 
I've cleaned house and washed a load of laundry today. Heading back to Mom's this afternoon. She has failed so much this year, weak and confused so much of the time. I'm taking a walker that Steve used to her today. Some mornings she can barely walk. I think this may give her just enough support to help get from the bed to the kitchen table and couch. She seldom moves beyond there. I'm planning to get her outside today, the weather is perfect this week. We can watch the traffic on her street and talk about past neighbors! Her neighborhood is a place of family homes with the families aging away; widows or widowers and empty houses. It was so full of life thirty years ago. 
I have to run, Gavin left some important items here yesterday and must have them! He is expanding his Lego city and needs the characters he left. Plus his library book on chicken care. And his DS game and UA my little genius. 
Talk to me, I enjoy the company. Love.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Home again, home again jiggity jig!

How fast three months can pass, my trip of a lifetime is over. I'm home again, home again jiggity jig. It's Friday afternoon, I got home very late Wednesday night and I'm still in a daze.

Hello all, my daze has lingered for two weeks now. My body refuses to come back from OZ, at least my internal workings. I haven't slept three nights in those fourteen. I've never been much of a sleeper, but this is getting ridiculous! 
My stay in Australia was a once in a lifetime dream come true! All my life, I've considered OZ to be a magical place and it is. The landscapes alone are other worldly, the native animals are quirky and straight from a fairy tale, the Queenslander houses are bright and airy and inspire living. Day to day life is similar to our life here  in the US, but there are enough differences to make each day an adventure. Because all living takes place around the edges of the country, you are never far from the ocean or the mountains. We visited both within a couple of hours from home...amazing for this Hoosier who drives twelve hours to get an ocean fix. 
I visited during fall/winter and slept with my windows open each night, got a glow from that constant sunshine and only saw rain three days out of the 86 I was there! I laughed, smiled and giggled more than I had in two years, frequently feeling like a five year old in my delight with the sights. I'd met my son-in-law years ago when we were young, but got to get to know him on this trip. Ken is a gentle giant, a real, old-fashioned gentleman. I enjoyed his intelligence, kindness, wit and graciousness, but loved him for his devotion to my daughter. His focus appears to be making her happy, enjoying his family and entertaining anyone within his sphere. Courtney is happier and more at peace than I've ever seen her. THAT is worth the distance apart. A mom just wants to see her children happy with their place in this world and I've seen that here. 
Yesterday my girls and I had a Gma day shopping and lunching in Bloomington, so much fun. We even saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes last night with Shawn and Caleb. A sad yet good movie that showed a possible? path of humankind. Those Planet movies have gotten me since Charlton Heston's first adventure years ago. With today's computer advances, they are so real!
Off to Mom's for the weekend! Talk to me. Love

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

May - Month Two in OZ

Hello all,
May has been a beautiful month here and no day more perfect than today. As I sit on the balcony of our vacation rental a stone's throw from the Pacific Ocean, the large cargo ships move in and out of Brisbane harbor, waves crash on the flat rocks, and sailboats zip past. I am so blessed to experience all of this and cannot describe what it means to me. As I get older, my soul seems to crave the water. It lifts the trouble from my heart and mind and allows the wind to blow them away. I breathe better at the ocean, not with my lungs, with my being. I feel so much a part of nature and God's creation while watching, listening, breathing the sea. So peaceful, so calming. 

We arrived here at Caloundra on Friday, it is only a two hour drive from Courtney's house. I was like a five year old anticipating my first glimpse of water; the change in the sky came first, that lovely lightness, then the landscape changed, tunnels of Norfolk pines towering on each side of the road guiding us toward our destination, ahh there it was...the water crashing in the distance, spreading out as far as I could see. It had only been three weeks since I'd been on Bribie Island watching this same water but it seemed ages since I'd had my needed dose. How do I manage once or twice a year back home?  We are here till Sunday, I hope to place each moment in a box and store it away for remembering during the long, hot summer in Indiana. 

On Saturday we walked the boardwalk bordering the town, people were everywhere. Not in overwhelming crowds, just in clusters spread along the beach and park and shops. Life was going on here, a kickball game at a birthday party, a wedding being set-up with white chairs and blue tulle, windsurfers zooming along the edge of the beach sometimes skipping out of the water into the air. Courtney and I giggled at it all unable to contain the joy bubbling up in us. I took photos of everything and everyone, attempting to capture all that living. 

Sunday was another treat. We went to the street market, a sort of flea market without the tacky bits.  Food, art, crafts, linens, pottery, street performers, a few questionable sellers of questionable products (maybe), but  it was fun. I'm not a shopper, you all know that unless we are talking online, but this place inspired shopping. I needed a hat for sun protection, a tablecloth for my redecorated dining room, a print with princess and a unicorn for Bella's birthday, a sign marking "King's Beach" for Nina's pool deck, a bag of passion fruit for our yogurt and the world's most delicious pineapple. All this, of course must ride home on my lap when we leave on Sunday, Ken says!

Our Aunt Edna and cousin Kathy came on Monday to spend the rest of the week here. Edna is an Aussie girl who lives in French Lick, Kathy is her daughter-in-law. She is really our cousin, having married my Dad's cousin Jim during the war, but we have always referred to them as our favorite uncle and aunt. She is, however, Ken's aunt! His Mum's sister. Don't be concerned, there is no blood connection between Courtney and Ken, they just met at a family dinner years ago! A long story for another time.  Sharing paradise with family makes it that much better.

Courtney will be having surgery on Monday after our return, we would appreciate prayers. It is a simple procedure, taking an hour only, but will require a hospital stay and a few weeks recovery. I hope to have her on her feet before leaving for the US. That will give us a month for recovery and a bit more traveling. They have a trip to Coochiemudlo Island and one to a ranch belonging to friends scheduled for June. Ken is retired Navy and as an amazing assortment of interesting family and friends around Australia. I've enjoyed meeting them and hearing their stories. Dinner conversations are a treat. I've always been an eager student and I'm thrilled with all the  tales being shared.

Time for an afternoon walk, everyone is napping or reading on the balcony, I think I will  stroll down to the park for a few minutes and BREATHE in some sea air. Take care Ladies. Talk to me. Love

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

April- my first month in OZ

G'day Ladies!
I'm having a nice visit with Courtney and Ken in their Australian home. Lowood is a small rural town outside of Brisbane, where they formally lived. Their new home is in an estate, think housing development, with many, many nice brick and stucco homes. Paved driveways, tile roof and privacy fences. Sort of suburbs down under. Very nice, rather quiet except this week with the college kids on break.
The towns are rather like little villages with a grocery, a butcher and a bakery in each one. Along with a pleasant little park in town center for the kiddos .  I enjoy the bakery/coffee shop in Fernvale abit too much, as I need to stop in for a cup and an eclair frequently. Yum. The Valley needs a bakery like this one. Lovely treats, sandwiches, fruit pies, meat pies and enough tea to re float our casino!  I love our Mickie's Deli but this place has sweet tables under giant shade trees and seating inside as well. Life here is similar to ours, just upside down. The sky here is enormous and so blue if appears painted by a master. Everything is blooming in bold, hot colors and birds are everywhere. No kangaroos or koalas have been sited yet but a large flock of white parrots settled in a neighboring treetop as we had lunch last week. So pretty.
We have had Ken's Grandkids a few days, it's a hoot to hear proper Aussie speak out of little mouths. I'm constantly chuckling.  Kas, the 4 year old cracks me up with his "Poppy, I'd rather not take a sleep" and "Ninny, I don't care for real food, I prefer a treat, thank you"! Otherwise he and Bella are typical Grandkids. Charming us with their cuteness.
I will meet the whole of Ken's family next week at a big birthday party in Toowoomba, doesn't that sound exotic? I love the names of the places here, either Aborigine or English in their background, they all sound like adventure to me! I was a bit disappointed to discover Ipswitch was more like Bloomington than London. But the country towns have been such a treat, just what I expected.
I miss sharing this trip with Stephen King, he would have loved it out here. The open hills with cattle and lovely Queenslander farm houses scattered on them. The road signs alone are worth the trip, I'm  unsure of what some even mean. Of course, I'm not driving yet, haven't adjusted to the wrong side of the road.
Talk to me ladies and take care. I will check back soon. Love

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Countdown Begins

Hello, it has been awhile since I've posted. No excuse, not especially busy, just nothing to say. My mind takes frequent stops in The Dull Zone and doesn't want to start up again. I'm blaming the Winter That Never Ends. It is so convient to have this terrible weather to blame for all our illness, depression, weight gain....
I started back in the gym with Devin this week, I haven't been since the first of the year and had slipped back into weak and awkward mode. Only 16 days till OZ, so if I'm going to recue this body, it has to begin now.  I really doubt my intelligence sometimes, how can a reasonably bright woman let herself become a toad? No, not even a toad, a toad can hop like a champion. A slug! that's it, a weak, no muscle slug. I am so disappointed in myself, while training I was pedaling 4-5 miles in a 20 minute stint, Tuesday I managed a mile and a half. Shameful. And I had to ice both my knees afterwards. How can I expect to traipse around Australia on these legs? Back to twice a week in the gym plus daily walks with Hank. He will always pull me back to the house if I cannot make it.

The photo class has been less than successful, I missed a session while at Mom's one week. However, it is my natural ineptness with technology which impairs my picture taking results. Anything with more than one button and I am sunk. Chad says we can always use automatic when we are shooting for ourselves; the new cameras are smart enough to give great pictures, but I wanted to create not just capture my photos. I still have two classes before I leave so maybe a miracle will happen and I will become the latest Annie WhoeverWitz. Actually I will be satisfied with clear photos of my trip to share when I return.

My Emmaus Walk is the 20th thru the 23rd and I am looking forward to it. I have no idea what to expect but someone said, "it is a time of sitting in the lap of Jesus" and I am ready for that. I want so much to have peace around my grieving for Steve, Mom's slipping away, my anxiety regarding how I am to make a new life. I need to rediscover my place in this world with God leading the way. I am nothing but hopeful as this gets closer. I have always felt God's grace in my life and need it now more than ever. My sponsor, Marcy, is a sweet friend who has been inspiring me the last few years as she has met enormous challenges with faith and grace. She has shown me I am ready accept our Lord in a deeper, fuller way than I have before. I feel stronger whenever I speak with her. Oddly enough, the counselor has become the student in this.

All is well with our kids and grandkids right now. My boys are both working out of state which is a trial, but they know they are blessed to have good jobs when so many do not. Their dad always hated being away from home and said he felt like an intruder some weekends. I always felt bad for him, but the kids and I had to get through our week on our own. We developed a system and it was difficult to switch back when Friday night came. We flipped from dumping everything on him to not letting him do anything, a rather schizo life style for everyone. I was always so thrilled when Stephen King had work close to home! Families need daily interaction to be happy and healthy. I probably overthink our situations now that Steve is gone, beating myself up for something that I couldn't control 40 years ago. Again I doubt my intelligence :-)

Our little guys are growing leaps and bounds, they will be taller than me in a couple of years. I love those two boys, they are such a sweet mix of their dads and themselves I am amazed. I pray for them daily, the world can be so hard on boys, I want to to experience adventure and thrills, peace and contentment. I want the same for our three girls of course, but the girls will be protected and cared for because of their circumstances. Shay and Maddie will be children all their lives, Bless their hearts. Mackenzie seems to have less daring than most, as a result of her stressful past. She has the faith of a saint. I feel this will protect her from the world in the same way caring adults will protect her sister and cousin. But, oh those boys will be neck deep in whatever hijinks they can find, I know. God be with them.

Shay attends First Chance Center daily but has a couple of outside jobs, too. She helps at Head Start on Mondays and at the local optometrist office on Tuesdays. Everyone loves her and she is such a caring young woman, she works hard for them. She was crowned Miss St. Patrick at the Center's Spring dance last night (see my FB page). You never see her without her smile which makes her even more beautiful. Of all the grandkids, she talks more about her Papaw Steve, they were a special pair from day one. Losing him is still difficult for her and she frequently breaks into tears when telling a story about him.

Mack is finishing up her freshman year at IUS and seems set on getting into the Nursing program to become a Nurse Practioner. I admire her determination as she bit by bit works toward her goal. We are concerned for her health in being exposed to so many sick people with her suppressed immune system. She is going to discuss this with her doctors at her next visit in Indy. Hopefully her momma and gma are being overly cautious again.
Madeleine is transitioning to high school by having a couple of classes with the LifeSkills teacher this semester. She found Algebra and 8th grade Science much too challenging, so Mrs. Andry is working on her math and science skills in a less pressured environment. She has responded well, showing fewer signs of stress toward school. She still counts the days till Friday, but don't they all? Puberty and all the emotions that accompany it have been tough on Maddie, she cries at the drop of a hat, spends time in her room alone and is even more inclined to refuse to speak. Poor kiddo, I pray she moves quickly into the next stage of development soon, for all their sakes.

Our Joe is finding some stability in his life now. He has been living in another area since his release last year. He works and attends his meetings and goes to church. And he is out in nature again, always a woodsman, he lives on the Ohio River now and loves his little place. Of course, there is a lady in his life, when do we learn to strengthen ourselves before taking on another's burdens? He appears happy, but she has 4 little ones and struggles with many of the same issues as him. They do attend meetings and church together which is encouraging and we pray they will be successful in this relationship. I try to step back and not be too concerned that he can't handle a breakup. Leaving God in control is hard for this gma.

Courtney and Ken have a full itinerary for my visit, from a trip to the seaside to selecting "chooks" for the new henhouse. I am excited to be with them in their home for the first time. After a lifetime of dreaming of Australia, I will be there!! Seems impossible to believe. Right now I must close and get busy on cornbread! Nina is cooking for the family and I am taking corncakes to go with the pulled pork and bbq chicken. Love you all. Talk to me, Ladies. Hedy

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Can anyone believe this winter we are having? I am so tired of being cold. But the sun on the snow is breathtaking, when we have sunshine. And today we do. The snow is about 5 inches deep here but has a thick layer of ice on top, like a candy shell. Feeding Hank and the cats today was an adventure. Someplaces I could stand on the snow without breaking thru, as if weightless. The next step I was in over my shoetops with a loud CRUNCH.
Life has been abit hard lately. Time seems to make me miss Stephen King more each day. The dreadful cold hasn't helped, of course. But I truely don't mind the being alone so much as I just mind being without him. I find the silence of living alone to be a comfort, a buffer from the noise of the world. I usually spend the day quietly without TV or music. I watch the nightly news and Jeopardy, as we always did, challenging myself to answer before the contestants buzz in. Steve would always shake his head and say, "why don't you sign up for that?" Knowing fullwell my brain would freeze in front of anyone other than him.
I am doing the Ammaus Walk next month before leaving for Australia. I hope to find peace and regroup my thoughts before leaving home. I have lost my calmness and I miss it. I need to be centered again, if possible. I pray the Lord grants me that.
Our mom is failing faster, it appears. She is so quiet most days and is too weak to get out of the house. Resting after her morning bath before she can go into breakfast is becoming the norm. Sometimes lunch is in the family room now, as the kitchen seems too far for her. Her world gets smaller and smaller. My trip to Oz seems impossible when I am with her. The world seems much too big in her eyes. She speaks of that and of Brother Mike's constant traveling as if they were trips to the Moon, forgetting she and Dad would frequently fly to Vegas, Hawaii or Florida as if it were a mere daytrip. She never understood anyones desire to travel, preferring to stay home with us where she "belonged".  I am taking a quick photography class so I can share my travel experiences with her and the family, but if she isn't here when I return it will be OK. She only longs for a trip to be with Dad, not worldly travel.
Seeing where our daughter lives is something I am looking forward to, more her home, not the country. Home is so important. Who we live with and how we live are reflections of ourselves. Not the size of a house or the best appliances but how we choose to live. Simple living is sometimes the most difficult, especially with children. Steve and I made a decision early on to live quietly, simply in the county with our kids, a few animals and few distractions. That worked well for years. Until it didn't anymore. I have wondered what if we hadn't moved from the farm. What if we had stayed and insisted the kids ride the bus? What if we hadn't allowed cars and after-school jobs? What would life have been then? Could we have protected them from the world? Could we have prevented the bad things? They lived through it all and it helped make them who they are, but I wonder if a different decision would have been a better decision. I am sure every parent asks the same questions.
I have managed to get a few quilts ready to be quilted in the past few weeks, but haven't attempted the quilting. I will send them out to someone who has better skills than I possess. Maybe if I complete a tiny one, I will quilt it. I've loaded my old Sears machine into the Jeep to give to a young friend next time I am in town. It has been a good solid machine since my boys were toddlers, but I am using a Singer my mom used in the 50s. I love it so much. It is a beautiful elegant thing, rather petite like Mom. But strong and dependable, again, like Mom. It only does straight stitches, no zigzag, no fancy stitches, no buttons, no computer programs, just true straight stitches. I love it.
I ordered a kit to make Gavin a space themed quilt. Don't tell him, it may be for his college graduation! I've never used a kit with a center panel and themed fabrics but it looks simple. I have a fabric with planets spinning through a dark sky for the back. I hope he likes it. I'm sure they could find one at Wally World but WallyWorld doesn't understand his love of space.

It is getting dark, I need to close my shades and keep in the warm. Talk to me Ladies. Love, Hedy

Monday, January 13, 2014

A New Year- a new beginning

Happy New Year Everyone! Well ok, new year plus 13 days. 
It would appear that the new year, new beginning I've been praying for is starting out about the same as the last one. Dang, I was hoping for more than this polar vortex, sickness, depression and death, but it is not to be. Our family lost yet another husband, brother, father this week, my brother-in-law. He was diagnosed a few months after Steve was with lung cancer that spread to his brain. Steve always considered him an older brother and spent lots of time with him after he retired. My heart breaks for my sister-in-law and nieces and nephew. We know what they are suffering. May God bless them all with His grace.
I have never been effected much by the weather but, my goodness, this cold, dark, ugly stuff is getting on my last nerve. I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit, dreading to leave my shelter. I deliver my meals on Friday, if weather allows, spend my weekend with my mom and then stay inside all week. Getting spooky, my sister claims. Not really, I just need the solitude and silence to heal my heart and soul. I read, attempt some quilt piecing, rearrange furniture and read some more. Google has allowed me to become somewhat of an expert on many topics. Jeopardy is one of the few things I watch on TV and I google answers I am unfamiliar with. Oh I know not to end that sentence with a preposition, but really, don't we all talk this way? How stilted to say "answers with which I am unfamiliar"? Besides my college comp professor said if you know the rules you can break them. Apparently rules are just for the uneducated, maybe?
To be honest, I have been depressed lately and sad and angry. So what? I have been a good girl all my life, followed all the rules and helped others. Just like my parents, teachers and Scout leaders directed. And now at 64 I am a widow, alone and it stinks. I would say 'sucks or blows' but I do not like those words. I have always had anger issues of an untypical kind, I don't know how to be angry, I just don't have it in me. No great big loud outburst of noise, no cursing, no threatening to nail anyone to a wall by tender body parts, I just cry. And I am not a cryer, therefore, my anger problem. I have this big dark well inside that is just there and I don't know how to empty or fill it.
As a counselor I know that letting others in will help, helping others will help, but as a griever (?) I am not ready yet. I know that a massage would help my tight muscles, but I cannot take the chance that I might break with that much intense contact. I am too fragile and vulnerable to risk my control over my self. And you all thought I was the queen of calm and control, didn't you? Yep, this piece of the rock is crumbling a tiny bit. 
I am doing a personal Bible study on The Authentic Voice with Dr. Billy Graham's daughter, seeking to find Gods voice in all of this hurt. I keep listening to hear Him say He is here with me and it will be OK, but I hear only silence. I know He is and it will be, but right now I need more. Once when our son was flown to Louisville after a car wreck, I felt God in the car with us, telling me our child would live. I keep listening for that loving voice again. Time heals all things, maybe, maybe not. 
My life is full of blessings. Yes, I can truthfully, sincerely say that to you. I count and rejoice in those blessings daily. I know millions of people suffer much greater pain everyday. Mothers must watch their babies starve to death, die from disease or be shot down in war. People experience agony in ways we cannot imagine. My mind knows all this to be true. And yet I hurt. I hurt for my loss, my children's and grand children's loss. And I am angry at cancer, at doctors, at the world. 
Well, not that that is out, how beautiful was today, huh? Sunny and mild almost balmy. I loved it. I came home from Mom's  and cleaned my fridge! Yep, I'm weird. Nothing like a clean, empty fridge, I must buy groceries tomorrow! The loaf of bread I bought before Christmas is looking a bit suspicious, even toasting doesn't help the taste. I'm out of fruit and tortillas and hummus, only peanut butter and stale crackers left for supper tonight. I hate shopping, Stephen King was my shopping knight in shining armor. Apparently I only love cooking for others, who knew? My boys fixed my frozen pipes last Monday and said they were afraid they were eating my last meal with their tomato soup and quesidilla lunch. It just doesn't feel important to eat. Yet strangely I manage to remain an overweight status. My metabolism is akin to a whales, I am convinced. 
It is 3:00 am, I must get into bed. Take care and talk to me. Love