Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Two months and Counting

Stephen King has been gone for two months now. I cannot decide if these have been the longest two months of my life or the shortest. I'm afraid I am not truly aware of time passing, all days seem the same, week upon week. I am not accomplishing much around here, keeping Hank untangled from the deck posts, the boat trailer and the car tires takes up a lot of time. Actually moving his hitch seems way too complicated, so we play this game 14 times a day. Keeps both of us from being lonely, I suppose.
After much coaxing from my sister, I have started sewing abit. A few pillows, some blocks added to a quilt top. I get distracted easily though or bored with the project. I still need silence and I am happiest when home alone. Our kids are in and out and I love that, too. I have joined a Bible Study group with some neighborhood ladies that meets twice a month. It is a great balm to my spirit. I haven't studied The Word so intensely for years and enjoy digging deeper into it. We have great discussions that answer so many questions for me. Each of us has our own burden and sharing lifts them for awhile. We are a mixed group and I think that adds to the benefits, always another view to consider and learn from.
I have been staying with Mom once again, I missed her and didn't realize it. We share another bond in being widows, she says. A club no one wants to join. She continues to have good days and bad. The pain from arthritis increases on these rainy, fall days. She is still aware of family and friends but forgets what occurred five minutes ago. She sits on her nest on the couch for too many hours each day, not interested in moving around or leaving the house. Ice cream is her biggest thrill and she would eat only that if allowed. We have to check with each other when changing shifts, to not overdose her with vanilla cones! Alzheimer's is a terrible thing. Watching a loved one disappear hurts so much.
I don't watch much TV, but have really been reading a lot, especially blogs on the internet. Some are harmless fluff about decorating or quilting, but a few a written by wonderful writers who entertain, inform and give me support. I chat with a lovely, strong lung cancer survivor from Boston and a recent widow from Pennsylvania who feel like family. Linnea and Kate, you will never know how much I look forward to a new post from you. Cancer isn't choosy, it takes from anywhere, any family without discrimination. Connecting online gives us a bigger picture, I believe, it lightens the load to know you are not alone. Of course, it also opens one up for more pain, knowing these sweet people are suffering also.  But making that connection is worth the pain for me.
Being a widow seems so foreign to me. I've been Steve's wife for 46 years, since is was just 17 years old. I really don't know how not to be. I have other titles;  daughter, mother, sister, grandmother, friend, counselor, but my identity was Steve's wife. He often joked that people only knew him as Hedy's husband. We tend to be identified with our mates after so many years. I feel abit like I am in a government witness protection program, who am I? This feeling is surprising to me, I always considered myself a very independent woman. I prided myself in being strong and smart, able to survive anything. The joke is on me, I'm afraid, maybe I was just strong with him beside me?
My life is certainly not all sadness, please, don't think that. I'm just gloomy today, to match the cool rainy weather.  I am going to travel to OZ in the Spring to visit with Courtney and Ken for three months, I cannot believe it yet! Ken's Aunt Edna is my cousin by marriage and she is going along with me, as is her daughter-in-law, Kathy. They will be staying with family while I shall be at Court's new home with her. This is a trip Stephen King and I hoped for long before our daughter moved there. Who doesn't want to see the land down under?
Enough for now, Sweet Ladies. Talk to me. Take care. Hedy


Country Girl said...

Dear Hedy,
Am I the Kate you speak of? I used to live in Pennsylvania but am now in Maryland. I tried to respond via your comment left on my blog but you are coming up no-reply in my mailbox. Maybe this will help:

My husband and I were together since we were 19 years old. I can understand the feeling of not knowing you should be or that you are torn as to how you should feel.

I do know that it's good to go out among the living, like you are doing with your bible study group. I didn't think I was ready to go back to work but am so glad I made the attempt. I feel better today but had gotten so used to the quiet of this place. It was comforting, but now it will be comforting in the evenings and weekends only. And for now, that will have to be enough.

Take care, Hedy.

Alison Reinholt said...

I suppose we go through Different identifiers throughout life. From parents' daughter, mother of, to spouse of. I suppose I've throughout more about when my kids leave- we aren't really that far away- not so much about tye others.

I'm happy to hear the trio Down Under is all planned! What a wonderful experience. I hope one day to get there myself.

I keep finding neat quilt patterns and am starting to feel the itch to sew again. There is something about the chill in the air that brings it out of me. My next one will be sent out to be quilted. I'm over trying to quilt them on my little machine.

The boys and I had a nice fall break. All the crops are in, stalks chopped, equipment serviced and put away. We have several old apple trees in the back pasture so I spent the weekend making apple sauce and apple butter. The house smelled so good! Last step will be brown bag apple pie. It's my favorite!

Glad to see your words in print. Miss you & sending hugs & love.

Courtney said...

When you do get down to Australia, remember you have a friend here! Thanks for everything you and Gaggle do and are for mom. It helps all of us.

Love, Courtney