Stephen King would have been 68 today, imagine that! He dreaded turning 70, I suppose he won't have to worry about that now. I know it gets said too often, but really, where did those years go? Were we not paying attention? I have full memories of each year, yet it seems impossible that so many have passed by. How did two kids come to this? I'm not lamenting them, we loved them as we lived them (mostly), just amazed that it is over. Oh, I know life isn't over (don't panic), but that life is over. A new one begins.
Trent will be 44 tomorrow, another hard to believe fact! Soon all of our kids will be in their forties. Geez Louise. This baby who didn't want to separate from his mom is a wonderful father. He was two weeks late, a big 9 pounds and had to be yanked, screaming from his safe place at birth. Shy, painfully shy, he held my hand for years trying to find his place. He found it in Nina and her kids. They saw a man in him, where others saw a boy. That saved him. He and Nina have a lovely life they enjoy so much. Full of kids and fun, working side by side with each other. They really live their lives, each week is an adventure. Gavin is his mini-me, intelligent and always seeking. I am so proud of him and love them all so much. Happy Birthday, our beautiful boy.
As always my issue lately has been my mind. I cannot shut it off, sleep is pushed aside by thoughts of the past, by thoughts of the future and by fear of the present. Of course, I'm reading everything I find (I always have) but just this morning I found a quote that stopped me in my tracks; it fit me to a tee. Caroline Myss is a wonderful writer of spiritual study. Not only Godly, but soulful. I started reading her work when our dad died nearly fifteen years ago and revisited her this fall. Today I found what I was seeking, "the soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is the mind". Exactly. My soul is at peace, I know Steve is with God, my mind is the problem. What ifs, guilt, remorse, should haves, if only, what now, plague my thoughts. I am sure this is a typical reaction to loss, but it feels as if it is mine alone. I must work on distracting my mind.
I'm beginning on a new start to a new life by hiring a personal trainer. Most of you know of my health issues and my avoidance of exercise issues, well I'm trying to overcome them. Last week I met with a young cousin of mine who is a personal trainer, massage therapist and student in physical therapy (just what I need) and we are meeting weekly plus he gave me an agenda to work on which includes exercises, biking and water therapy. Our third session is in 90 minutes and here I sit sipping coffee and writing. Maybe my mind isn't totally into this yet! But I won't give up so easily. I have no excuse for not taking care of myself and giving my kids a better mom and grandma. I've promised Gav a walk around the farm and Cabe a long beach walk. The boys have never known a strong healthy Gma, like the girls and Joe had. I want to enjoy them as I did the older ones and my kids. Walking, camping, playing ball were all things I loved back then, I want that back. Day by day, bit by bit, bird by bird, I will make it. Just takes time and getting my mind to slow down and shut up. I may need counseling, Ladies, any volunteers? Stay strong. Talk to me. Love, Hedy